Spotify Mood: Melancholia

I fell in love with someone completely off limits.  I don't need to tell you how sensational he is because I wouldn't have fallen so hard for the forbidden if he wasn't.  His brain challenges me, his kindness melts my heart, his patience rides the waves of my emotional inconsistency, his pure sexiness rivals anything I have ever seen.  We haven't crossed the physical line...and we swear we won't, but the emotional side of things is enough to have created a bond that left me a crying mess in my car when it was broken.

I knew this was coming, my Twin warned me, my Moral Compass warned me, my Rock warned me, I warned me!  But watching the train come is one thing, being hit by the train hurts a hell of a lot more than you expect it to.  You think I would have been smart enough to move out of the way, but I stood there watching all the warning signs and told myself "maybe it won't hurt.  Maybe it won't happen to me.  Maybe I'll be the strong one here."  Newsflash, I wasn't.  I was left walking a sidewalk unable to see my feet because my eyes were so blurred with tears and hands so shaky I couldn't unlock my car.  He drove home with a lie on his tongue about where he had been.

Sometimes I ask for the truth when I don't want to hear it at all.  I throw down a challenge..."hurt me, I dare you, I'll be okay, I'll show you"is what I am really saying when I ask for the truth, but the answer is always the same...my wet eyes, short sentences, and one armed hugs good bye.

I asked for the truth tonight, I asked to know if he was okay with "this".  He didn't say no, he just said he needed to create a boundary before we crossed it.  I saw the end right there, before we even got a chance to begin.  I shut down (typical Kristen), nodded, said I was fine when he asked, patted him on the back, agreed to "see ya later!" in the most cheerful non-broken voice I could muster, and spun on my heel to leave.

So, goodbye my lover.  You changed my life and brought so much love into my world.  I let my walls down and you walked over them into my heart, only to leave me hollow and more hurt than I ever expected to be.  I know you didn't plan this, you're too good to have planned this - I don't blame you.  I've learned that when you see the end before things begin, you expect hurt and sorrow...but the expectation is never as awful as the shut down, walk away feeling that the actual end creates.

Current Mood

Mr. Right-Baseball-Bendy

I have been in this state of flux lately.  Flux.  Change.  Variation.  Whatever you want to call it, change is in the air.  Maybe it is the new moon or maybe it is just my 28 (almost 29) year old brain finally breaking through into adulthood.

I realize shift happens.  I love that by the way, "Shift happens."  It is clever, without being crude.  Anyway.  As a human and especially as a yoga teacher, I am aware to the inth degree that the world around me and the world in me, will always be shifting.  In my practice it is the variation in how my hips open day to day, how my balance is on point one day and off the next, and how some days I am eager to be up at 5am to twist into Cirque like poses, and other days I can't imagine crawling out of my cat covered bed.  In my life the shift is different though.  It isn't one I am comfortable with.

I am yo-yoing between wanting to be in a relationship and adamantly holding on to my single woman independence.  After dating H for a bit and dissolving that partnership because of an honesty issue on his end, I am struggling to keep my intentions clear and concise.  There are things in my life that are very clear today: I want to be insanely successful at EMCO, I want to inspire people when I teach, I want to be the best daughter, I want my friends to know I love them (especially Little Bird, who I don't tell enough), I want to spend every summer evening sitting on the patio reading books with my cats...those things make sense to me, they always have.  But then the boy stuff creeps into my brain.  Like a heavy rain that comes out of nowhere in the middle of the night and wakes you up because it is beating so hard on the window.  

I have always been the school girl crush kind of person.  I will like you intently from afar but when you get to close I will push you away because God forbid if you like me and then hurt me.  It's completely fear based.  And when there is fear, there is darkness, and when there is darkness, there is no light.  So I fight the darkness by joining online dating, going out on awkward dates, and encouraging friends to set me up with "this nice guy from work" they speak so highly of.  I put in a valiant effort into finding the One, but always have an impending sense of doom in my head.

The truth is, I have never ever had butterflies like the ones that I got around X; I have never been inspired by someone as intently I was by B; I have never laughed as hard as I did with C.  These men in my life, marked with insignificant individual letters in my blog, have changed me.  They have set the bar so high that I question, with logic not fear, if that bar will ever be met.

I was with H for a month when we split, we continued the back and forth every couple of weeks thing,. Finally I pulled the plug Saturday.  I took a really hard look at myself and my behavior and realized I wasn't proud of it.  It wasn't really me- it was fear and self pity and insecurity taking on a whole new form.  Instead of being honest with myself about what I wanted, I hid inside a couple hours a week composed of polite smiles, light laughter, and the kind of company that only a man can give.  If I am being presumptuous, we have all done it.  Used someone (with or without their knowing) for our own benefit.  It doesn't make it right, but I am also not smashing my head against the wall because of it.  The self awareness it took to step back and be grateful for him and ashamed at the same time required a lot of reflection and courage.

What scares me about this state of flux is my inability to stay committed to a decision.  I ended things with H, and then went back 3 times.  And then pulled the plug again.  I had that partnership and then I ended it.  I wave this flag of independence while at the same time walking around with my best smile on just in case Mr. Right (Now) walks by.  Add on the fact that I have girlfriends pushing relationships at me - revisit old ones, pursue this new one, stay with H - and my brain starts to hurt.  It is no wonder that I come home after a 14 hour work day and ignore my phone to watch  Pretty Little Liars on Netflix.

The Blue Jays have a 9 game home streak in September over my birthday (Red Sox, Yankees, and KC) and the romantic side of me wants to meet Mr. Baseball and go on my perfect trip with him.  The realistic (scared) side of me is already looking at single seats in really good rows behind first base.

So what is it...the flux or the reason for the flux that scares me more?  Truthfully, the thought of losing everything I have created alone in order to be with someone terrifies me, but so does the thought of watching baseball alone with my cats at 50.

Every time I go to a class I learn something new.  A cue, a pose, a song...I am always open to this newness that happens in the studio.  My whole body arches with the excitement of being open to new possibility when I am breathing and moving.  I know what to expect from yoga - this feeling of completeness afterwards.  The dating thing is different.  I don't know what to expect, I don't know if I am going to like the end result.  I think that is where the fear comes from, the unknown.

So, at 11:30 on a Wednesday I am setting my alarm to get to my 6am class, and hey, maybe Mr. Right-Baseball-Bendy, will be there too.

I want.

I want to love you. 
I want to fall asleep with you, wake up with you, make breakfast with you, and share the newspaper.  I want to feel your eyes bore into me as you read the map of my soul. 
I want to close my eyes and still see the shape of your jaw. 
I want to feel your heartbeat pound into my cheek as my head rests on your shoulder. 
I want to feel your fingers tangle in my hair as we fall asleep. 
I want to hear you murmur "I love you" in the middle of night, the morning, and the afternoon.

I want to feel your love pour over me, through me, around me. 

I want to envelop you like lava...shaping around you, flowing through you, filling every part of your heart, mind, and body until I know you, and you know me. 

More than anything else, just know me.  Know everything about me, know my flaws, and my failures, and love me anyway.

I want to love you.


**Thank you W for the inspiration tonight.  The truth and the pain and the strength and the love...it led me here...to this.  You, my darling friend, are magic.** 

He was obviously so excited that you texted him that he fainted.

The physical feeling of heart ache doesn't just come after the end of a 5 year relationship.  It is does not just stem from infidelity or betrayal.  Heartache, portrays itself in so many forms - weak knees, stomach stone, shaking hands, watery eyes, trembling bottom lips, and of course, the feeling that your chest is simply going to crack in half and you are certain it will keep cracking until the pieces are so small they are nowhere to be found and you will be left without a heart...just hair and skin and nails.

This blog entry is not about B, or X, or A, or C, or any of the letters in my life.  It is about truth.  The truth that sometimes we fall head over heels for a man the moment we lay eyes on him, and then we spend 5 years telling ourselves that love is enough.  The reality that sometimes love comes at us slowly and we realize we cannot possibly date anyone besides him even though he chews too loudly and eats more desserts than any person should.

I don't know what is going on with B.  I compare him to my cat...sometimes he wants to cuddle and sometimes he pees on the couch.  If I am being honest, I don't really care what is going on with B because no level of care (or obsession) is going to change the reality of things.  I have no control over people, places, and things.  No matter how late I stay up, how many times I reset my phone thinking "his text must have gotten lost in cyber space", or how often he calls me to talk about things that he "can't trust anyone else with," it doesn't change the facts behind things.

The fact that my school girl crush is a just a crush and that there are several millions of spectacular people in the world that I undoubtedly would fall in love with the moment I met them.  Infatuation is a scary, beautiful, overwhelming thing.  Roll with it.  Be enamored.  Be inspired.  Be in awe of this amazing human you met.  Kiss.  Touch.  Fall asleep.  Talk.  Laugh.  Be okay having a crush.  Then stop walking down the isle with him, giving birth to your two perfect kids, divorcing him and keeping the dog, and re marrying someone more open/sexy/rich.  Just stop.  Have a crush and when it stops making you feel alive and it starts weighing you down, stop.  Move on.  Meet some guy in an elevator or at Starbucks or go to the same Subway everyday for lunch hoping to catch a glimpse of the latest man of your dreams.

When it is meant to be, it will be.  The Universe won't play games with your heart if you don't play games with fate.  I know when I get to the crazy point, I lose faith in the Universe to know what it best for me and I begin to try and control all of the outcomes.  I manipulate people into staying in very unhappy relationships.  I lie, cheat, and steal to get what I want, and I stop trusting the process.  Who wants forced anyway?  We all want to hunt a little bit, but are you REALLY willing to change your eating habits, your vocabulary, what you do at night, and how many times a week you finish an entire season on Netflix with the hope that you can catch your prey - I mean meet the man of your dreams?

Stop pretending.  Take things as they come.

X is getting married.

The man who stopped my heart in an elevator in Bow Valley Square in 2007 is getting married.  X, who I spent over five years trying to fix, control, sober up, and manage, has met someone who doesn't need him to change, and he doesn't need her to either.  When I first found out, my stomach dropped and I looked in the mirror wondering what she has that I don't.   Then I realized it has nothing to do with me.  It never does.  I am just so selfish that I think about myself first.  The Universe never intended for X and I to work out.  I stalked my prey (both metaphorically and literally) until I got what I wanted - him.  I sat provocatively on his desk at the ripe young age of 20 and lured him into my life, charming him with my energy and keeping him around with my chaos and manipulation.  X, if you ever see this, I am sorry!

Stop playing God.  Stop thinking that every step you take is within your control.  The people you meet, the wondrous, the cruel, the loving, the harsh...they all offer you guidance to your destiny.

"One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree.  'Which road do I take?' she asked. 'Where do you want to go?' Was his response. 'I don't know.' Alice answered. 'Then,' said the cat, 'it doesn't matter'."

So darling, it doesn't matter which path you take, you may not truly know what you want.  You certainly don't know what is best for you.  Let the Universe guide you as you trudge the road TO happy destiny.  Be you, in this moment.  Just for tonight, for today, for the week...be you.  Wear the right size jeans, don't lie about your age, have a crush, and be honest, "I pout when I don't get my way!"

Do you know what is harder than lying to someone else?  Lying to yourself. Telling yourself you aren't hurt, you aren't ashamed, you aren't horrified...telling yourself that you are okay.
Lying to yourself until you begin to believe it.
And then one day, the lie crumbles and everything around you falls apart because it is all based around that lie.  The story you created to protect yourself, heal yourself, convince yourself that you were okay.
So, don't be okay.
Be sad.
Be remorseful.
Be broken.
Don't just be okay.
Be truthful.
Nothing will shatter the truth.

Don't build your life based on lies.  Love yourself now and this moment like it is your last one.  Fall in love 37 times a day with 37 different people, places, and things, but don't expect them all to love you back, and God forbid, don't try to make them love you back.

The Allure of B

I am supposed to be on a date right now.  No, I am not sitting a restaurant alone writing on my phone, nor did I come home after being stood up to eat ice cream alone and write.  I cancelled.

I have been on this kick lately, telling people that I was ready to date!  Looking for a relationship!  Excited to find someone to love, make love with, and read the paper with!  So I did what every “ready” woman does and I started online dating.  I wrote a compelling description of myself and threw up some flattering photos and began conversing with a few fellas who had appealing photos and clever descriptions.  But the investment wasn’t there.  The eagerness, the excitement, the spark…none of it was there.  So, I didn’t go on my date.

I started practicing yoga just over four years ago.  When I started I would always push myself into new postures that I wasn’t doing correctly, I would push myself into breathless exertion where I felt light headed and dizzy, I would never take rest or water, or God forbid a restorative class.  Last year at some point I stopped caring though.  I started loving restorative classes, taking child’s pose, and even going to the studio when it was empty not to practice advanced arm balances, but to lay out in reclined butterfly and listen to really beautiful music.

I’ve heard that how you do yoga is how you do life.  So when I stopped pushing myself for external reasons and started doing what I wanted ON the mat, I started acting that way off the mat.  I began to go to bed earlier or stay up ridiculously late watching Netflix, I laughed as loudly as I wanted to, and cried when life seemed too much to handle.  I love doing what I want.  I am truly free! 

So, because I did not want to go on my date, I did not go on my date.  Instead I fought the urge to ask B out for pizza.  B, the reason I didn’t want to go on my date.  The reason that I stayed up until 4am.  The reason I read weird books on personal development.  The reason I put two raw sugars in my latte and not white mocha syrup anymore.  Thing’s with B are not clear, or on the table.  Feelings have not been laid out, moves have not been made; in fact, it is not even clear if there are feelings to have or moves to make. 

But with B there is a sparkle, a life, a smile, an opinion, a laugh, a creepy forehead vein, an overused hand gesture, a signature word that admittedly I’ve stolen.  I really like all of those things about B but what I like most about B is that he is real.  He is not the right photo at the right angle with some catching phrase posted on some website.  The giddiness I feel around B is not a result of great punctuation and spelling, or messaging pictures of your dog, or corny pick up lines sent at 3am.  The giddiness I feel comes from the heart to heart humanness of real life; the exchange of energy that occurs when two people see each other and can’t breathe; the butterflies in your stomach as you plan your perfect first sentence to him; he nervous toe tap, the awkward shuffle, the racing pulse…that is the giddiness and you just don’t get that online.

So yes, I skipped out on a date but I realized that a couple years ago I started staying in yogi squat instead of pushing into crow every time, and that really worked for me.  So I will slow things down, reconnect with my breath, and let things unfold as the Universe intends.  At least for a few days ;)

The year of love (and country music)

While the beginning of 2014 was marked by simply being a Wednesday, it is following a year of immense personal growth and change.  2013 was the first year I was ever really single. 

Valentines day was spent with my favorite Incubator Steph, my birthday was spent with two strong loving girlfriends, Christmas day was spent with my family, and New Years Eve was spent with the strong supportive Jill.  I wasn’t lonely in 2013 despite having my bed to myself every night because I managed to spend 365 days falling in love with the person looking back at me in the mirror.  I filled my time with yoga, prayer, and meditation.  I built strong life long friendships with women that are more amazing than I expected them to be and turned to people for guidance that I didn’t know I would ever trust. 

2013 was the most awkward painful year I have ever had – think back to preteen growing pains.  The biggest blessings came wrapped in some pretty ugly packages but with the support and coaching of the people that love me the most, I was able to dig through the muck and find the beauty inside.  Despite the tears, many were shed in the privacy of my home with the Stephs beside me, I was shaped to be stronger, smarter, and more loving.  Between the tears and the temper tantrums, there were enormous moments of elation that swept me off my feet and filled my heart.  Going to a concert with my brother, Incubator getting pregnant, finishing my teacher training, watching Steph grow stronger and stronger in her skin, showing up for my family, walking with A by the river analyzing our lives, laughing as my friends sang karaoke, and meeting my soul sister (Elisha, I miss you every time I walk down the hallway).  Those are the times that I hold on to as I go into 2014.

I became a woman in 2013.  I learned about respecting myself and always putting my own oxygen mask on first.  I was taught that I have a gift to offer the world but first I have to offer it to myself (thank you Kim!!!).  I don’t believe in setting resolutions, I believe in setting goals.  Goals have action to them, deadlines, and measurable results.  So yes, I would like to accomplish certain fitness goals this year, but the goal that is the most important to me is to love deeper.  Be less afraid.  Trust more.  Speak my truth.  Ask for what I need. 

As I head into the second day of 2014 I bring hope, positivity, and trust.  I know that none of us are the same, but I promise to love you all for your humanness anyway.  I thank my best friends for everything – your love elevated me to a place I didn’t know was possible.  And I thank my mom – without the love of my mom and true soul mate, I don’t think I would have accomplished half of what I have, and I certainly wouldn’t be prepared or confidant enough to conquer what I intend to in 2014.

With all the gratitude in my heart – thank you.

#goalcrusher #lovelife #keeptrudging #itstheyearofthehastag

ROI - a lesson in feel-nomics.

I am taking yoga teacher training right now and it is more of a spiritual journey for me than a physical one.  The movement comes naturally to me but my own presence kind of freaks me out.  Part of my homework for this week is to write a 60 second speech on what natural gift I possess and offer the world.  We also have to journal about our passions...I listed writing as a passion and realized I haven't posted in a long time...so here I am, being all passionate n' stuff.

It is good timing for a blog though, I have lots on my plate that is clogging that uber important pathway from my heart to my brain.  The enlightenment I am finding in teacher training is opening me up so much emotionally and I find it rewarding, but with every feeling that slips out of it's tightly closed spot in my heart, a struggle ensues.  I am fighting against a principle I have relied on so heavily the past couple years, "What is my ROI?"

ROI stands for "Return on Investment."  Essentially the better the expected return, the higher the ROI.  Therefore, I only go forward with relationships that will likely offer higher ROI.  Typical addict to use an investment strategy to determine potential mates and a cost / benefit analysis to determine if the time is worth it at all.  I ask myself what my potential ROI is every time I have feelings for someone.  Today at work a co-worker of mine told me I need to STOP.  That I will get a far greater reward if I take a risk.  I bluntly replied, "I am more of a flexible rate GIC kinda girl."  

(I know this is starting off nerdy but stay with me...it will get juicy soon.)

So I am at a crossroads, do I continue on my safe path, getting little back but being in control; or do I put all my chips on the table and hope for a royal flush?  Heck, I'd even settle for a strait right now!

The center of this dilemma is J.  J doesn't need a description because I am sure by now you trust my judgement in men...right?  Okay, fine, I will defend it.  He is happy!  That is the neatest thing!  He laughs constantly, he smiles genuinely, he listens earnestly, he comments truthfully...he's the type of person that you instantly connect with.  He helps others in ways I never could, he doesn't back down from a challenge or hard work, he leads by example, and doesn't hold resentments.  He doesn't judge me for my temper tantrums and he shows up when he says he will.  He is so likable.  TOO likable.

We are playful on the phone and there is a heaviness between us in person that has yet to be explored.  We haven't been physical in any sense, except the hello / good bye hugs are getting longer, and I am eager and yet grateful it hasn't been pushed.  I roll over in bed in the morning and wish that he was there to latch onto for an extra 5 minutes, and at night I wish he was there too.  I am excited like I was in grade 6 when I had a big crush on Ricky! 

Here it is though...the kicker.  What if I say something mature like, "we are compatible.  Would you like to go on a date, practicing some kissin, and then see where it goes?" and he says, "um ya, but with someone else...you're WAY too good of a friend!"  So, there it is...the fear or rejection.  When I told Kristi about my crush on Ricky in grade 6, she went and told him...he and I haven't been friends since then.  I don't want that to happen!  I have taken the initial risk of asking him to hang out a couple of times, and I am 0/2...which is a discouraging statistic (unless you are a Blue Jays fan, then you are used to it).  

So, now I look at my cost benefit analysis on a broader scale; do I continue to be meak about my feelings in almost all situations to protect my ego, or do I put my shoulders back and speak up?  Yoga is teaching me about being true to myself, I don't think "true to (my)self" means shutting down or hiding from the truth.  I think it means authenticity.  But acting authentic requires laying aside fears and my fears are the bricks around my carefully guarded heart.  So, Kristi, if you are reading this, would you please tell J I have a crush on him...and if he doesn't talk to me anymore I'll know why.  Until then, I will play it "cucumber cool" and trust that there is a plan infinitely bigger than me and my protective fears.