The Allure of B

I am supposed to be on a date right now.  No, I am not sitting a restaurant alone writing on my phone, nor did I come home after being stood up to eat ice cream alone and write.  I cancelled.

I have been on this kick lately, telling people that I was ready to date!  Looking for a relationship!  Excited to find someone to love, make love with, and read the paper with!  So I did what every “ready” woman does and I started online dating.  I wrote a compelling description of myself and threw up some flattering photos and began conversing with a few fellas who had appealing photos and clever descriptions.  But the investment wasn’t there.  The eagerness, the excitement, the spark…none of it was there.  So, I didn’t go on my date.

I started practicing yoga just over four years ago.  When I started I would always push myself into new postures that I wasn’t doing correctly, I would push myself into breathless exertion where I felt light headed and dizzy, I would never take rest or water, or God forbid a restorative class.  Last year at some point I stopped caring though.  I started loving restorative classes, taking child’s pose, and even going to the studio when it was empty not to practice advanced arm balances, but to lay out in reclined butterfly and listen to really beautiful music.

I’ve heard that how you do yoga is how you do life.  So when I stopped pushing myself for external reasons and started doing what I wanted ON the mat, I started acting that way off the mat.  I began to go to bed earlier or stay up ridiculously late watching Netflix, I laughed as loudly as I wanted to, and cried when life seemed too much to handle.  I love doing what I want.  I am truly free! 

So, because I did not want to go on my date, I did not go on my date.  Instead I fought the urge to ask B out for pizza.  B, the reason I didn’t want to go on my date.  The reason that I stayed up until 4am.  The reason I read weird books on personal development.  The reason I put two raw sugars in my latte and not white mocha syrup anymore.  Thing’s with B are not clear, or on the table.  Feelings have not been laid out, moves have not been made; in fact, it is not even clear if there are feelings to have or moves to make. 

But with B there is a sparkle, a life, a smile, an opinion, a laugh, a creepy forehead vein, an overused hand gesture, a signature word that admittedly I’ve stolen.  I really like all of those things about B but what I like most about B is that he is real.  He is not the right photo at the right angle with some catching phrase posted on some website.  The giddiness I feel around B is not a result of great punctuation and spelling, or messaging pictures of your dog, or corny pick up lines sent at 3am.  The giddiness I feel comes from the heart to heart humanness of real life; the exchange of energy that occurs when two people see each other and can’t breathe; the butterflies in your stomach as you plan your perfect first sentence to him; he nervous toe tap, the awkward shuffle, the racing pulse…that is the giddiness and you just don’t get that online.

So yes, I skipped out on a date but I realized that a couple years ago I started staying in yogi squat instead of pushing into crow every time, and that really worked for me.  So I will slow things down, reconnect with my breath, and let things unfold as the Universe intends.  At least for a few days ;)