Cracks

My mom texted me once and said, “The path to perfection is paved with cracks.” 

Lately I feel like I have covered enough cracks and am waiting for that perfection to kick in.  I know we aim for progress not perfection, but a daily dose of “ah- this is perfect” would be nice.  Even a weekly dose.  I have been battling a lot lately- issues with my best friend, new guy problems, loss, and the obsession is back in full force.

I feel resentful at myself for not being “ok” at 16 months; I feel like I am failing myself and others when I struggle.  Perhaps my standards are too high, perhaps I am right where I am meant to me, but either way…I am not happy with where I am.  I think lack of happiness is a key indicator that something needs to change.  But what?  I am walking the walk and talking the talk; I carry the message, help others, and talk to people about where I am at, but I can’t seem to find anyone who I can really connect to- at least enough to share these deep fears and resentments that I struggling with.  The one person who I believe would understand me because he is so comfortable in his own state of misery and confusion, is X, and I just cannot bring myself to reach out to him.  Though, in a serious state of weakness Saturday I called him.  Thankfully, it was late, he didn't answer, and I didn’t leave some pathetic voicemail.  But still, I made the call, which is bad enough. 

I think what it is that gets in the way of me reaching out to other people and really trusting them is my ego and my pride.  I don’t think that anyone will accept struggling me and I don’t think that anyone will understand where I am at.  When did I become so important! 

 

“Greatness is not found in possessions, power, position, or prestige. It is discovered in goodness,

humility, service, and character”

 

I have come to realize in the past couple hours that perfection isn’t attainable for me, and that is not a bad thing.  I will do my best every day, but in the mean time, I will tip toe over the cracks, smile through the journey, and just follow the light at the end of the tunnel.  It is easy to be lively when things are bright, but harder to do so when things are dark…acceptance is key, and I must never EVER forget, to “Live and Let Live.”