So much more than giggles...

I was on the phone tonight processing my emotional hangover.  The first call was a lot of listening to some one who I love and respect more than I ever thought I could.  More on W in another entry.  The second call was a more heartfelt one, honest and open…fearful and teary at times, echoed with the light hearted giggle that says, “you are not alone.”

I listened a lot tonight, to W & my gorgeous friend Holly, but the key thing I heard was, “unlearn to unlove.”

The most natural thing in the world for us is to love and allow ourselves to be loved in return.  What happens to us, usually as young children, is that we are taught though a less than desirable experience, that loving someone is scary.  They might leave us we fear.  Or die.  Or not love us back.  So we harden our hearts into coffee like masses (blackness) and disallow anyone to really permeate the membrane that we call caution.  By doing this, we turn to cold shadows of people who say, “I love you”, and write kind words in birthday cards, but do we mean it? 

We have spent our lives learning to be hard, strong, and independent.  We have learned to unlove.  We have turned our back on our God given state of loving human beings, and given up our Heavenly instinct to adore, nurture, and cherish, because we are AFRAID.

I have learned that living in fear is wrong.  That there are steps I can take to recover from that “seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.”  However, when the tools are presented to me, in a perfectly wrapped blue book, what is preventing me from picking them and putting them to work?  More fear.  Because to change my current state of blackness, hardness, and unloving state, is terrifying, not to mention hard work.

I don’t have the answer (to life the universe or everything else), but I do know that if I really truly to LET GO and trust my gut, I have a chance to returning to the innocent state of bliss and serenity that I once was that allowed me to LOVE.

Once again, I have gone on long enough, and as a result I have no idea what I was trying to say.  But I loved and I got hurt and because I got hurt, I got scared and now I have mastered the art of unloving.  I am starting to realize that perhaps unloving needs to be unlearned. 

This is my commitment, I will jump in, head first.  I will follow my gut and I will start letting myself love again.  And as it happens, I am certain that things will hurt again, but I was reminded tonight, that through the tears I will giggle.