the other side of moving on

Today has been interesting.  At one point I felt I had been kicked in the stomach, and within a half hour, it resides to a dull thudding ache, luckily after an hour, it resonated no pain at all.

I talked to X today.  He asked me if he could come by work tomorrow and pick up somethings of his that I have...house keys (whoops) and a skip rope.  I refused that, as I didnt feel that seeing in the middle of my day was a was choice, but instead offered to drop by his place with his things.  Our conversation progressed into how his return to work was, and his request that as a result of my mushy gushy BBM status, that he be removed from my BBM list, as he didnt want to be kept up to date with my new romance.  I said I understood and admitted that yes I was seeing someone, then I asked the stupidest question of all, "are you?"
"Yes I am"

Everyone I have talked to, and of course that is pretty much everyone I know has determined X was lieing about his current relationship status to get a reaction out of me.
But what if he wasn't?
And why do I care?
Why did it feel like I had been karate chopped in the gut?
Why did my heart drop and my eyes well up for a brief second?

I have moved on but wasn't expecting him too.  Ever to be honest.  With as much humility as I can muster, though he told me three months ago "you're not good enough for me", I consider myself to be quite a catch.  Though I pray for him everyday to find love light and happiness, I wasn't praying for it to be so soon.  I at least wanted more comfort with where A and I are before I found out that X was seeing someone else.

So what is that?  I can move on but he can't?  It is unfair.  Especially because I am SO happy, don't I just truly want that for others?  If I am as good of a person as A says I am, than yes, yes I do want happiness for X.  But perhaps not this soon.  Mourn the loss of fabulous me for a little while longer.  Couldn't he have done that for just a bit?

Why do we do that?  Set double standards?  Why are break ups so messy?  Why do the gut feelings linger long after the heart has moved on?

As I sit here, post hot yoga and orange juice, writing to you by candle light with my new "Kissin Practice" playlist in the background...I feel quite calm.  I am ready for my life and I am excited to be part of the adventure, even if it means taking the occasional shot to the gut every now and then.

These are the feelings

I’m in this very fun place lately.

This, shave my legs-wash my hair- reapply my bronzer- moisturize excessively, place.  It is fun!  I love feeling excited to see A.  I shower and wash my hair every day now…I cover myself in Dream Cream (thanks Lush) every night and morning…and at the expense of my many nicks and scrapes, I shave my legs every other day.  This beginning feeling, where things are so exciting and you get that “punch me in the stomach” I’m excited feeling when you see them…this is the feeling I love.  I wear the cutest panties I have everyday, I plan my outfits for the week around when I am going to see him, and of course (because I wouldn’t be normal if I didn’t), I keep my eye lash curler on hand for 911’s that occur right before see him.

I laid down the rules early on and asked the 3 pertinent questions (as a result of being lied to be Z, I felt I needed to get some things out in the open early on):

1.)    Are you currently married or in a relationship?

2.)    Do you have children older than me?

3.)    Are you lying about your age?

A answered all questions appropriately (no, no, no) and let me know he was laughing so hard he could hardly get back to me.  Apparently my honesty and fear are “cute.” 

A is away for a week and I think it is safe to say I will miss him.  I have already decided to think about quitting smoking (see what I did there…hahahaha) and am going to push myself extra hard to make it to the gym and yoga daily like I used to…just so I am nice and taught for his return.  I feel foolish for missing him already…but I feel like I have been looking for him for a long time.  Finally I am in a place where I realize I deserve wonderful and I am so grateful I got blessed with it.

May all beings be happy....

Do you ever look at your life and wonder why?  Why things are going the way they are?

I have been lately.  Why have I been blessed with such wonderful people in my life?  Why do I have this amazing man in my life who makes me want to be better?  Why do I have the most understanding loving God?  Why are my friends the most beautiful people in the world?  I think it is because I am truly blessed.

I love my life and the people in it so much.  

“A” has shown me how to be grateful for the beauty that my life consists of.  He has led me to believe that life is a fantastic journey and not an arduous painful one.  I have never felt so happy in my life.  I have a wonderfully sarcastic roommate who loves me, even though he says he hates me; I have best friends who make me laugh, do my hair fabulously, and tell me they love me daily; I have a mom who takes care of me when I can’t take care of myself; and I have a man who tells me I am beautiful even when I feel awful.

The best part is, your life is just as fabulous.  Look for the good and you will find the good.  Don’t worry about broken relationships, don’t lose sleep over financial insecurity, don’t look for the next best thing.  Be happy and realize that you are exactly where you are meant to be.  Enjoy your life today because tomorrow, or the next day, may be harder.  God only gives us as much as we can handle.  It is what we do with our challenges that shapes us into the people we are.

Act with love, compassion, and tolerance towards all beings.  I ask God every morning how I can benefit others and I suggest that ALL beings be happy. It isn’t that difficult a request to make, nor it is hard to be the change you want to see in the world.  Be positive, full of love, and practice acceptance…

Now.

Chances in life are just that, chances. They don't come around everyday, or once a week, or even more than once a life time.  You have one shot...take it.  To be really truly happy you need to always be prepared for major changes in your life.

Never get to comfortable.  Don't get used to saying no and staying safe.  Take the God given gift of opportunity- don't think, don't ask for advice: act.

I have learned some things lately:

1.)  Never remain in a wrong or damaging partnership.  Part with love, peace, and understanding.  Be prepared to move away from the relationship so you can move on with your life...

2.)  Your true spiritual self comes only when you love yourself and love others.  Act with love.  

3.)  Be prepared to fall in love at any time.  Be prepared to fall out of love at anytime.  When the moment comes, and suddenly, "I don't you anymore" becomes the harsh truth, say good bye.

I think we have given the divine gift of life so we can live it fully.  Those of us who sit by and watch life go by are wasting the precious opportunity that we have been given to LIVE.  Accept the gift of life and smile.  Laugh. Dance. Love.

Sing you a lullaby

Happy Halloween!
That is all I have to say about that...
I have had an incredible couple of weeks, not one that many would consider the right kind of incredible but I have been taught so much by so many that are so much wiser than I.
I have been shown that real honest truthful happiness comes from within.
I have been told that I AM worth it and that I AM impressive.
I have been reminded that I am loved...no matter how much a broken heart can ache.

I am so blessed to have come into contact with an incredible person....A...lately.  We converse back and forth on this raw, thriving, vivacious level that I have yet to experience with anyone and trust it to be real.  I feel more alive than I have in a long time because this person is allowing me to see me for what I am.  A ask's the right questions and provides the right answers to give me the chance to unlock the secrets of myself that I have so long longed for.  I feel this peace inside me and I know I have a perma grin on my face.  But not because of A, but as a result of what A has done for me.
To find a person, other than my mom and my three best friends, who is able to make me smile, laugh, and tell horrible jokes, is amazing to me.  I never thought I was capable of connecting with someone on such a deep level after knowing them so briefly.  I feel that I have met my inspiration.  A person that makes me want to do a little better everyday because of what they are capable of.  A person who only after knowing me a little bit, wants to hear more and wants to understand my life.
As I sit here at 4am, I find sleep to be a dream because my mind is whirring with thoughts of A, and of course...X.  I feel at ease with where I am at with X.  I feel as though I have had enough of the distraction from my life that he has so long been.  I am a selfish person, but I am also wise.  Wise enough to know that sometimes, I need to come first.  And first right now is ME.  My happiness, my peace, my understanding of myself...
What I am getting at is this...seize the moments that leave you wondering why, and don't wonder why, just accept the moments.  These little moments and times of awe are the ones that make up a lifetime of happiness and joy.  Be prepared, be willing, to accept people, places and things as they come into your life, because they will be gone in a second. Don't think, just act.  Act with love and compassion and move forward, because if you aren't moving forward with love in your heart and ease in your mind, you are sitting still losing all your chances.

a little X intervention

“If he’s foolish enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him go”

My best friend sent me that quote the other day and it got me thinking…maybe I AM good enough.  When X left, he said, “You’re just not good enough for me.”  He has since revoked the statement, but it still stings.  To be told you aren’t good enough, is like not getting that job, or  not making the team…it is just an unfortunate feeling.  It plays with your pride, and messes with your ego.  I have had this inferiority complex the past few weeks.  On some days it is in full swing and I cant see past the bad skin, flat hair, and thunder thighs into the goodness that is ME.  On other days, I am so PROUD to be who I am and so grateful for all the gifts that God has given me.

I ask Him every morning to direct my thinking and to help me help others.  I have a forever prayer list, and I pray for those people everyday with the hope that TODAY they will see the light of His love.  But sometimes I wonder, is Anyone listening?  My thinking can get so convoluted with negativity and my actions can so easily be impulsive reactions that it makes me wonder if I am truly doing the next RIGHT thing, or if I am doing MY thing. 

I think back to that quote Krissy sent me Monday a lot and I find I can apply it to many circumstances in my life, but mostly with my struggles of letting go.  I don’t like to let go; one of my biggest fears is losing people.  Though, I am SURE someone would tell me that is selfish.  I hold on to people.  I charm, smile, laugh, and REFUSE to let go of people I love because the thought of them being happy without me, hurts me.  I want to be good enough for someone.  I want to be the reason that someone smiles first thing in the morning and person that someone can go to when they need to smile again.  But, who am I to play God?

So, when I am lost and feeling purposeless, I think about that quote, “… be smart enough to let him go.”  Nothing happens in God’s world by accident….I have to remember I am not the Master, and I have to just Live and Let Live…as best as I can…just for today.

Cracks

My mom texted me once and said, “The path to perfection is paved with cracks.” 

Lately I feel like I have covered enough cracks and am waiting for that perfection to kick in.  I know we aim for progress not perfection, but a daily dose of “ah- this is perfect” would be nice.  Even a weekly dose.  I have been battling a lot lately- issues with my best friend, new guy problems, loss, and the obsession is back in full force.

I feel resentful at myself for not being “ok” at 16 months; I feel like I am failing myself and others when I struggle.  Perhaps my standards are too high, perhaps I am right where I am meant to me, but either way…I am not happy with where I am.  I think lack of happiness is a key indicator that something needs to change.  But what?  I am walking the walk and talking the talk; I carry the message, help others, and talk to people about where I am at, but I can’t seem to find anyone who I can really connect to- at least enough to share these deep fears and resentments that I struggling with.  The one person who I believe would understand me because he is so comfortable in his own state of misery and confusion, is X, and I just cannot bring myself to reach out to him.  Though, in a serious state of weakness Saturday I called him.  Thankfully, it was late, he didn't answer, and I didn’t leave some pathetic voicemail.  But still, I made the call, which is bad enough. 

I think what it is that gets in the way of me reaching out to other people and really trusting them is my ego and my pride.  I don’t think that anyone will accept struggling me and I don’t think that anyone will understand where I am at.  When did I become so important! 

 

“Greatness is not found in possessions, power, position, or prestige. It is discovered in goodness,

humility, service, and character”

 

I have come to realize in the past couple hours that perfection isn’t attainable for me, and that is not a bad thing.  I will do my best every day, but in the mean time, I will tip toe over the cracks, smile through the journey, and just follow the light at the end of the tunnel.  It is easy to be lively when things are bright, but harder to do so when things are dark…acceptance is key, and I must never EVER forget, to “Live and Let Live.”