I’m no good at goodbyes. For the longest time I thought I only struggled with them when someone pulled away from me, but last night I realized that it is just as hard when it is my choice.
I said good bye to someone who has become very important to me last night. I’ve got my fair share of people telling me it is foolish, but I also have my supporters. I am struggling with my decision today. I am unsure of my logic behind the decision to leave Z. I have all these reasons as to why I made the right choice, but my fear of being alone is hauling me backwards…into his arms and into his life. How is it fair to be one foot in with someone? I’ve always believed that when it is RIGHT you know it, I just wasn’t sure. There were too many trust issues, too many unanswerable questions, and of course, the intense lingering feelings I have for the ex.
But I was happy. Really happy. I think I still am? I am trying to be, but it is hard. I feel an immense loss today. The feelings of remorse and guilt I have for saying goodbye, are almost enough to bring me back. Why is that? Do I fear being alone so much that I stay with people I am uncertain about? It would explain my years of running back to X so many times.
I like to think I am healthier than that now. I like to think that I can handle my life and manage my feelings. I really truly believe that those who suggested I take a little time for myself, were right all along. I feel like I brought old habits and old problems into a new relationship. Not only was that unfair to Z, it was unfair to any chance I had at being truly happy.
They say that loneliness is a self inflicted pain, and I fear I have just pricked myself with the pin of despair. I am afraid to be lonely. Not afraid to be alone really, just I hate being lonely, and sometimes that awful feeling cant be cured at a night club, with friends, or even in the rooms. So, I guess I will eat my blueberries for now and remember that I feel okay for now, and ill worry about tomorrow, or the changing feelings when they come. If you need me this weekend, I will be hiding out in the gym and the yoga studio…covering my feelings with lunges and (attempting) the perfect Dancer’s Pose.
