Anniversaries have been popping into my head a lot lately - on November 11th, it will be 7 months since I broke up with X; December 5th will be 2.5 years sober; November 3rd was my 4 month mark at my job. A year ago I met one of my best friends. I am not sure why dates have become so important to me. Perhaps it is because I mark everything in my calendar so I don't forget anything? I remember making fun of a girlfriend once because she set reminders in her phone to shave her legs so she would get up earlier on those days...I am now that bad (or that good?).
I think that we are reminded of certain dates and lengths of time so we can track how far we have come since then, or where we hope to be by then. 7 months ago I was sitting on a couch staring into the eyes of the person that I love most in the world trying to verbalize that I couldn't stay with him; 2.5 years ago I was hiding bottles of red wine so no one knew how much I drank and praying that self esteem group therapy was the answer to my problems. 4 months ago I was nervous and excited and certain that THIS was it, this was the job for me. A year ago I was sitting in a coffee shop with a girl I hardly knew, though knew so much about, intimidated beyond belief.
I was chatting with a girl today about how we are often the last person to see the progress in ourselves, explaining that we often hold ourselves to such high standards that we cannot ever seem to meet them, though everyone around us sees us blowing by the metaphorical bar. Why do we do that? Upon further thought I realize this expectation we have ourselves and the inability to ever meet it is a form of self hate. I should speak in "I" and "me"...forgive me.
I set my bar high to always keep growing, or thats what I tell myself. But I wonder, when will I ever be good enough for me. When will I stop cringing when I look in the mirror (I got my first cellulite a couple months ago and it seems to be replicating at an uncontrollable rate)? When will I be proud of my length of sobriety? When will I accept that I love someone I was with for almost 5 years and that is okay? I read that the level of my serenity is directly proportional to my level of acceptance, therefore; to be at an optimal level of serenity, I must simply accept things the way they are- cellulite, broken heart, and all.
But I struggle with that. I am results driven. I want things to be done perfectly, immediately, and my way. I love change, though I hate pain. But I guess some things never change - I still love him, I still wish the solution to life was group therapy and worksheets, I still think this is the job for me despite my struggles (thank God for TJ), and I am still intimidated by so many people and their absolute wondrous abilities.
So I am at a crossroads, where I find myself often right before bed when my very best insane ideas come - do I do a thorough self examination and set goals and make sincere changes to achieve the things I want? Or do I continue to do what is working, find peace in my mind and body the way they are, and simply enjoy the gifts that life is giving me now? To rededicate my life to changing my body, how I am perceived at work, my friendship groups, and my quality of sobriety, will be exhausting, likely too much to do at once, but worth it?
I am not a sitter. I know the answer to my whirring mind and loneliness is not isolation and group therapy. I know that my ass will not rejuvenate to its once perky dimple free self if I sit and eat blizzards. I am pretty sure that not increasing my work ethic to reflect my work load will not get me very far. So I will take action. I ask myself when faced with the task of creating an action plan, "what can I do immediately?" I work in 8 hours...I guess I'll start there :)
