I want.

I want to love you. 
I want to fall asleep with you, wake up with you, make breakfast with you, and share the newspaper.  I want to feel your eyes bore into me as you read the map of my soul. 
I want to close my eyes and still see the shape of your jaw. 
I want to feel your heartbeat pound into my cheek as my head rests on your shoulder. 
I want to feel your fingers tangle in my hair as we fall asleep. 
I want to hear you murmur "I love you" in the middle of night, the morning, and the afternoon.

I want to feel your love pour over me, through me, around me. 

I want to envelop you like lava...shaping around you, flowing through you, filling every part of your heart, mind, and body until I know you, and you know me. 

More than anything else, just know me.  Know everything about me, know my flaws, and my failures, and love me anyway.

I want to love you.


**Thank you W for the inspiration tonight.  The truth and the pain and the strength and the love...it led me here...to this.  You, my darling friend, are magic.** 

He was obviously so excited that you texted him that he fainted.

The physical feeling of heart ache doesn't just come after the end of a 5 year relationship.  It is does not just stem from infidelity or betrayal.  Heartache, portrays itself in so many forms - weak knees, stomach stone, shaking hands, watery eyes, trembling bottom lips, and of course, the feeling that your chest is simply going to crack in half and you are certain it will keep cracking until the pieces are so small they are nowhere to be found and you will be left without a heart...just hair and skin and nails.

This blog entry is not about B, or X, or A, or C, or any of the letters in my life.  It is about truth.  The truth that sometimes we fall head over heels for a man the moment we lay eyes on him, and then we spend 5 years telling ourselves that love is enough.  The reality that sometimes love comes at us slowly and we realize we cannot possibly date anyone besides him even though he chews too loudly and eats more desserts than any person should.

I don't know what is going on with B.  I compare him to my cat...sometimes he wants to cuddle and sometimes he pees on the couch.  If I am being honest, I don't really care what is going on with B because no level of care (or obsession) is going to change the reality of things.  I have no control over people, places, and things.  No matter how late I stay up, how many times I reset my phone thinking "his text must have gotten lost in cyber space", or how often he calls me to talk about things that he "can't trust anyone else with," it doesn't change the facts behind things.

The fact that my school girl crush is a just a crush and that there are several millions of spectacular people in the world that I undoubtedly would fall in love with the moment I met them.  Infatuation is a scary, beautiful, overwhelming thing.  Roll with it.  Be enamored.  Be inspired.  Be in awe of this amazing human you met.  Kiss.  Touch.  Fall asleep.  Talk.  Laugh.  Be okay having a crush.  Then stop walking down the isle with him, giving birth to your two perfect kids, divorcing him and keeping the dog, and re marrying someone more open/sexy/rich.  Just stop.  Have a crush and when it stops making you feel alive and it starts weighing you down, stop.  Move on.  Meet some guy in an elevator or at Starbucks or go to the same Subway everyday for lunch hoping to catch a glimpse of the latest man of your dreams.

When it is meant to be, it will be.  The Universe won't play games with your heart if you don't play games with fate.  I know when I get to the crazy point, I lose faith in the Universe to know what it best for me and I begin to try and control all of the outcomes.  I manipulate people into staying in very unhappy relationships.  I lie, cheat, and steal to get what I want, and I stop trusting the process.  Who wants forced anyway?  We all want to hunt a little bit, but are you REALLY willing to change your eating habits, your vocabulary, what you do at night, and how many times a week you finish an entire season on Netflix with the hope that you can catch your prey - I mean meet the man of your dreams?

Stop pretending.  Take things as they come.

X is getting married.

The man who stopped my heart in an elevator in Bow Valley Square in 2007 is getting married.  X, who I spent over five years trying to fix, control, sober up, and manage, has met someone who doesn't need him to change, and he doesn't need her to either.  When I first found out, my stomach dropped and I looked in the mirror wondering what she has that I don't.   Then I realized it has nothing to do with me.  It never does.  I am just so selfish that I think about myself first.  The Universe never intended for X and I to work out.  I stalked my prey (both metaphorically and literally) until I got what I wanted - him.  I sat provocatively on his desk at the ripe young age of 20 and lured him into my life, charming him with my energy and keeping him around with my chaos and manipulation.  X, if you ever see this, I am sorry!

Stop playing God.  Stop thinking that every step you take is within your control.  The people you meet, the wondrous, the cruel, the loving, the harsh...they all offer you guidance to your destiny.

"One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree.  'Which road do I take?' she asked. 'Where do you want to go?' Was his response. 'I don't know.' Alice answered. 'Then,' said the cat, 'it doesn't matter'."

So darling, it doesn't matter which path you take, you may not truly know what you want.  You certainly don't know what is best for you.  Let the Universe guide you as you trudge the road TO happy destiny.  Be you, in this moment.  Just for tonight, for today, for the week...be you.  Wear the right size jeans, don't lie about your age, have a crush, and be honest, "I pout when I don't get my way!"

Do you know what is harder than lying to someone else?  Lying to yourself. Telling yourself you aren't hurt, you aren't ashamed, you aren't horrified...telling yourself that you are okay.
Lying to yourself until you begin to believe it.
And then one day, the lie crumbles and everything around you falls apart because it is all based around that lie.  The story you created to protect yourself, heal yourself, convince yourself that you were okay.
So, don't be okay.
Be sad.
Be remorseful.
Be broken.
Don't just be okay.
Be truthful.
Nothing will shatter the truth.

Don't build your life based on lies.  Love yourself now and this moment like it is your last one.  Fall in love 37 times a day with 37 different people, places, and things, but don't expect them all to love you back, and God forbid, don't try to make them love you back.

The Allure of B

I am supposed to be on a date right now.  No, I am not sitting a restaurant alone writing on my phone, nor did I come home after being stood up to eat ice cream alone and write.  I cancelled.

I have been on this kick lately, telling people that I was ready to date!  Looking for a relationship!  Excited to find someone to love, make love with, and read the paper with!  So I did what every “ready” woman does and I started online dating.  I wrote a compelling description of myself and threw up some flattering photos and began conversing with a few fellas who had appealing photos and clever descriptions.  But the investment wasn’t there.  The eagerness, the excitement, the spark…none of it was there.  So, I didn’t go on my date.

I started practicing yoga just over four years ago.  When I started I would always push myself into new postures that I wasn’t doing correctly, I would push myself into breathless exertion where I felt light headed and dizzy, I would never take rest or water, or God forbid a restorative class.  Last year at some point I stopped caring though.  I started loving restorative classes, taking child’s pose, and even going to the studio when it was empty not to practice advanced arm balances, but to lay out in reclined butterfly and listen to really beautiful music.

I’ve heard that how you do yoga is how you do life.  So when I stopped pushing myself for external reasons and started doing what I wanted ON the mat, I started acting that way off the mat.  I began to go to bed earlier or stay up ridiculously late watching Netflix, I laughed as loudly as I wanted to, and cried when life seemed too much to handle.  I love doing what I want.  I am truly free! 

So, because I did not want to go on my date, I did not go on my date.  Instead I fought the urge to ask B out for pizza.  B, the reason I didn’t want to go on my date.  The reason that I stayed up until 4am.  The reason I read weird books on personal development.  The reason I put two raw sugars in my latte and not white mocha syrup anymore.  Thing’s with B are not clear, or on the table.  Feelings have not been laid out, moves have not been made; in fact, it is not even clear if there are feelings to have or moves to make. 

But with B there is a sparkle, a life, a smile, an opinion, a laugh, a creepy forehead vein, an overused hand gesture, a signature word that admittedly I’ve stolen.  I really like all of those things about B but what I like most about B is that he is real.  He is not the right photo at the right angle with some catching phrase posted on some website.  The giddiness I feel around B is not a result of great punctuation and spelling, or messaging pictures of your dog, or corny pick up lines sent at 3am.  The giddiness I feel comes from the heart to heart humanness of real life; the exchange of energy that occurs when two people see each other and can’t breathe; the butterflies in your stomach as you plan your perfect first sentence to him; he nervous toe tap, the awkward shuffle, the racing pulse…that is the giddiness and you just don’t get that online.

So yes, I skipped out on a date but I realized that a couple years ago I started staying in yogi squat instead of pushing into crow every time, and that really worked for me.  So I will slow things down, reconnect with my breath, and let things unfold as the Universe intends.  At least for a few days ;)

The year of love (and country music)

While the beginning of 2014 was marked by simply being a Wednesday, it is following a year of immense personal growth and change.  2013 was the first year I was ever really single. 

Valentines day was spent with my favorite Incubator Steph, my birthday was spent with two strong loving girlfriends, Christmas day was spent with my family, and New Years Eve was spent with the strong supportive Jill.  I wasn’t lonely in 2013 despite having my bed to myself every night because I managed to spend 365 days falling in love with the person looking back at me in the mirror.  I filled my time with yoga, prayer, and meditation.  I built strong life long friendships with women that are more amazing than I expected them to be and turned to people for guidance that I didn’t know I would ever trust. 

2013 was the most awkward painful year I have ever had – think back to preteen growing pains.  The biggest blessings came wrapped in some pretty ugly packages but with the support and coaching of the people that love me the most, I was able to dig through the muck and find the beauty inside.  Despite the tears, many were shed in the privacy of my home with the Stephs beside me, I was shaped to be stronger, smarter, and more loving.  Between the tears and the temper tantrums, there were enormous moments of elation that swept me off my feet and filled my heart.  Going to a concert with my brother, Incubator getting pregnant, finishing my teacher training, watching Steph grow stronger and stronger in her skin, showing up for my family, walking with A by the river analyzing our lives, laughing as my friends sang karaoke, and meeting my soul sister (Elisha, I miss you every time I walk down the hallway).  Those are the times that I hold on to as I go into 2014.

I became a woman in 2013.  I learned about respecting myself and always putting my own oxygen mask on first.  I was taught that I have a gift to offer the world but first I have to offer it to myself (thank you Kim!!!).  I don’t believe in setting resolutions, I believe in setting goals.  Goals have action to them, deadlines, and measurable results.  So yes, I would like to accomplish certain fitness goals this year, but the goal that is the most important to me is to love deeper.  Be less afraid.  Trust more.  Speak my truth.  Ask for what I need. 

As I head into the second day of 2014 I bring hope, positivity, and trust.  I know that none of us are the same, but I promise to love you all for your humanness anyway.  I thank my best friends for everything – your love elevated me to a place I didn’t know was possible.  And I thank my mom – without the love of my mom and true soul mate, I don’t think I would have accomplished half of what I have, and I certainly wouldn’t be prepared or confidant enough to conquer what I intend to in 2014.

With all the gratitude in my heart – thank you.

#goalcrusher #lovelife #keeptrudging #itstheyearofthehastag