I am taking yoga teacher training right now and it is more of a spiritual journey for me than a physical one. The movement comes naturally to me but my own presence kind of freaks me out. Part of my homework for this week is to write a 60 second speech on what natural gift I possess and offer the world. We also have to journal about our passions...I listed writing as a passion and realized I haven't posted in a long time...so here I am, being all passionate n' stuff.
It is good timing for a blog though, I have lots on my plate that is clogging that uber important pathway from my heart to my brain. The enlightenment I am finding in teacher training is opening me up so much emotionally and I find it rewarding, but with every feeling that slips out of it's tightly closed spot in my heart, a struggle ensues. I am fighting against a principle I have relied on so heavily the past couple years, "What is my ROI?"
ROI stands for "Return on Investment." Essentially the better the expected return, the higher the ROI. Therefore, I only go forward with relationships that will likely offer higher ROI. Typical addict to use an investment strategy to determine potential mates and a cost / benefit analysis to determine if the time is worth it at all. I ask myself what my potential ROI is every time I have feelings for someone. Today at work a co-worker of mine told me I need to STOP. That I will get a far greater reward if I take a risk. I bluntly replied, "I am more of a flexible rate GIC kinda girl."
(I know this is starting off nerdy but stay with me...it will get juicy soon.)
So I am at a crossroads, do I continue on my safe path, getting little back but being in control; or do I put all my chips on the table and hope for a royal flush? Heck, I'd even settle for a strait right now!
The center of this dilemma is J. J doesn't need a description because I am sure by now you trust my judgement in men...right? Okay, fine, I will defend it. He is happy! That is the neatest thing! He laughs constantly, he smiles genuinely, he listens earnestly, he comments truthfully...he's the type of person that you instantly connect with. He helps others in ways I never could, he doesn't back down from a challenge or hard work, he leads by example, and doesn't hold resentments. He doesn't judge me for my temper tantrums and he shows up when he says he will. He is so likable. TOO likable.
We are playful on the phone and there is a heaviness between us in person that has yet to be explored. We haven't been physical in any sense, except the hello / good bye hugs are getting longer, and I am eager and yet grateful it hasn't been pushed. I roll over in bed in the morning and wish that he was there to latch onto for an extra 5 minutes, and at night I wish he was there too. I am excited like I was in grade 6 when I had a big crush on Ricky!
Here it is though...the kicker. What if I say something mature like, "we are compatible. Would you like to go on a date, practicing some kissin, and then see where it goes?" and he says, "um ya, but with someone else...you're WAY too good of a friend!" So, there it is...the fear or rejection. When I told Kristi about my crush on Ricky in grade 6, she went and told him...he and I haven't been friends since then. I don't want that to happen! I have taken the initial risk of asking him to hang out a couple of times, and I am 0/2...which is a discouraging statistic (unless you are a Blue Jays fan, then you are used to it).
So, now I look at my cost benefit analysis on a broader scale; do I continue to be meak about my feelings in almost all situations to protect my ego, or do I put my shoulders back and speak up? Yoga is teaching me about being true to myself, I don't think "true to (my)self" means shutting down or hiding from the truth. I think it means authenticity. But acting authentic requires laying aside fears and my fears are the bricks around my carefully guarded heart. So, Kristi, if you are reading this, would you please tell J I have a crush on him...and if he doesn't talk to me anymore I'll know why. Until then, I will play it "cucumber cool" and trust that there is a plan infinitely bigger than me and my protective fears.
