sluts are just girls starving off boredom until their soul mates come along

Valentine’s Day.  Hallmark’s money making scam between Christmas and Easter?  The most romantic day of the year?  An opportunity to dress up and either drink alone, or laugh when appropriate at your significant other’s stories?

Who knows.

I have had one good Valentine’s Day.  Three years ago....new boyfriend, new top, new restaurant.  We did the whole thing to the max.  An amazing five course meal, two mind numbing bottles of wine, strawberries dipped in North America’s aphrodisiac (chocolate), and the romantic chat and cuddle in front of the fire place.  I got a card, flowers, a spa day, concert tickets, and an evening of compliments.  Since then, it’s been downhill.  Guys do that, they impress me so much at the beginning that anything after the initial courting is below par.

I don’t know the meaning of Valentine’s Day, but I know I have a love hate relationship with it.  I am in love with effort that my friend’s go through to please their significant others.  I am in love with the Valentine’s Day cards (I have about seven blank ones at home that I “had” to buy).  I am in love with the dress up, be wined, and dined, concept.  But I hate the “I’m alone and have no one to go home to” part.

The radio has told me that if I don’t get a Hercules Knot (Spence Diamonds) this year then no one loves me; the card store has shown me that there are thousands of moderately well worded poems out there and if I don’t get one, I am no one; and the street side advertisement about roses being on sale tells me that even when roses are half price, I am not “sweet” enough to get any.  I mean, COME ON!

So, really, is it worth it parading around saying, “I HATE Valentine’s Day because I am single and no one loves me!!!”?  If you ask me, it’s the thoughtful moments that are not insisted upon that mean the most.  The random flowers and hidden notes that I remember the most and that make it into my Memory Box.   So , if you don’t get a card or flowers or even a Lindt Chocolate heart (which are to die for), put on your sexy panties Monday, apply an extra coat of mascara, and wear a great bra, maybe you’ll have a boyfriend by days end.  And if you are in love with the wrong guy and thus permanently single (or let down) like me, drink.  Or if you are single like me and don’t drink, do yoga.  Yoga is the new vodka, didn’t you know?

Happy (almost) Valentine’s Day Lovelies.

Live and Let Live

I’m being faced with something called reality.  It’s not pleasant, nor is it easy to accept.  I don’t like it and I want to change it.  I am unhappy because I can’t control it and it’s not my way.  I don’t want to feel it or learn from it or become better because of it.  I want the pain to be over and I want things my way.

I think I must have been cuddled a lot as a child and told I was loved quite frequently (Mom, you read this, am I right?) because when I don’t have those things in my life, I feel like I am wandering aimlessly.  I am dependant on relationships to keep me afloat because I am so unsure of who I am on my own.  I’ve led my life so I am masterfully intertwined with another person, so that I don’t have to look at myself or stand on my own two feet.  Codependent?  Yup.  I use people as a safety net.  Sometimes I wonder what would happen to me if I didn’t have the incredibly loving and supportive mother I have.  Or if all the strong women I have latched onto were to suddenly pull away…. 

I may be hurting now because my heart is broken, but at least I have this fantastic foundation of friends who I can lean on anytime.  I can complain about the same stuff every week, send the same heartfelt emails, and come upon the same solution…and these rock solid, totally sane friends of mine, STILL love me.  Then there is mother I so casually mentioned previously.  How lucky am I that I have someone who I can call and hang up on and she still answers the phone the next time I need her.  She’s honest, but good at biting her tongue; she’s giving, but won’t let me walk all over her; and she is compassionate without being too emo.  Am I blessed?  As rotten as I can be, and as ungrateful as I can seem…absolutely I am.

I am learning to Let Go, and to Let God (for my spiritual friends).  I’m in a situation where someone has decided to leave me for good, and guess what?  I have to let them.   There are some things that are far beyond my control. Even though I have the strength to fight for them, and the hope that things will change (do they ever?) I have to accept the cold, harsh truth…the person that I don’t think I can live without, can live without me.

At the end of the day though, I’ve lived with myself for 24 years, and I only had him around for 3; in the long run, I know I am going to be okay and I know I am going to bounce back (even if it means leaning against a good friend or a great mother) because I have friends that haven’t left me, and those are the relationships that count.. Even on the days when I'm bitching and whining and crying, I have the BEST friends in the world to restrain me from sending that text and to help me drown my sorrows in blizzards and diet pepsi.  So thank you D.B, J.B, S.C, and Mumsie, for being patient enough to love a batshit crazy girl like me.  And future husband, if  you are reading this, I am so sorry I am broken and twisted…but I have great legs...

What is Love?

What is love?

Is it willing to die for someone?

Is it living with someone?

Is it marrying someone?

Is it having kids?

I sure don’t know.  I live on my own, I’m not married, I don’t have kids. 

Love to me was fighting to stay with someone and refusing to let go of them.  Love to me meant feeling complete (sometimes) with one person.   Love was having that one person who would hold you and make the sadness of the day disappear.   Love was making dinner; watching the news; and lying foot to foot on the couch, rubbing each other’s feet and talking about the day.

That is what I thought love was.  I was incapable of looking in the mirror by myself and feeling love.  If I didn’t have that perfect man  behind me in the reflection, I was loveless and miserable.  I was broken on my own and fighting every day to make the perfect relationship. 

I say WAS because I’m growing.  I was told that today by a very good friend of mine, someone I trust.  He said, “do you have any idea how much you are changing and growing?”  That made me feel….well, loved.  And I realized that lately I have been able to look in the mirror, on my own, and think, I’m okay, and I love myself.  Ok, that is half a lie….I am starting to love myself.

I would still like to be a little trimmer, more tanned, and more tantalizing, BUT I am who I am, or as I really like to say, “it is what it is.”  It is easy to love myself when I have a man who can’t keep his hands off me, but it is harder and more important to love myself when I am on my own.

How do I go about ensuring that I am in love, or falling in love, with myself?  I love without expecting love in return.  I give without waiting for something to come back.  I care before being cared about.  By giving away compassion, trust, and love, I am doing things to not only show the world around me love, but to also take out some insurance for myself, hoping against all odds that on my own, I am capable of love.

Dictionary.com has seven definitions for the word love.  Everything from deep affection to sex.  That makes me wonder, how often do I use the word love to cover up the feeling of lust.  How often do I base love, on the physical action of making love?  I look at my past and can surely say, I have done so.  I wonder, can I really say I have EVER made love, when I haven’t ever loved myself?  I answer no.

I have said, “I love you!!” so many times, but really, do I love, or am I just afraid to lose?