Celebrate endings - for they precede new beginnings

So, I broke up with X last night.

It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  He didn’t believe me when I said that, but my heart was breaking even saying the words.

I stuck to my guns, remained calm, and didn’t let his lashing out throw me off.  I told him I loved him, but that I couldn’t be with someone who I didn’t make happy, and that at the end of the day, he needed to find that for himself.

He told me he felt like he was “settling” with me.  OUCH.  Big sting.  I sat there open mouthed for about 30 seconds and didn’t know what to say.  I thought I treated him pretty well...

I have a feeling of relief today though.  A feeling that God is looking out for me, things will be okay, and I did the right thing.  I was so tired with X.  I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time, so afraid to upset him.  I was exhausted from trying to say and do the right thing to make him love me, even though I could see in his eyes, he just didn’t anymore.

I know my whole life is “one day at a time”, but I feel excited for the future, and I don’t see it involving X.  I am okay with that.  I have acceptance around the fact that I spent 5 years of my life trying to make it work and it failed.  Key word there, “it.”  I am reminded that I didn’t fail.  That I am good enough.  That I tried.  And that sometimes, love just isn’t enough.

I still believe in that fairy tale – happy ending kind of love.  Even though X told me I was delusional for thinking that was real.  I know there is someone out there for me that I won’t have to try so hard for, change for, and be afraid of.  I am not expecting that kind of love to come to me tomorrow, but soon would be good!  I am at a good place in my life, and yes, that may change tomorrow, and I may cry myself to sleep next week.  But I have been told so much lately that I amazing, and that I deserve more.  I am ready for more.  And yes, at little bit anxious!

I don’t feel resentful at X for lashing out at me.  I believe that was his ego speaking and that he was perhaps a little hurt that I was leaving him.  In the past he has always left me, so I took control, and I am sure that scared him.  Maybe one day X will make amends to me, but I don’t expect that, and I am okay with not hearing the words “I’m sorry” from his mouth ever again.  Our relationship was so based on apologies and false promises that to hear it again will just be meaningless.

I truly want the best for X.  Unfortunately, and yes this breaks my heart, I wasn’t the best for him.  I tried to be.  I changed everything about myself – most of worked out for the best, but it still wasn’t enough.  I pray that he finds peace with himself and never feels like he has to settle again.

Now, I look forward to tomorrow with gratitude knowing that the people, who truly love me and God, are on my side.  I am blessed that through prayer, I was able to find the courage to change what I could.

And if you are reading this, and maybe feeling a bit sad for me…I love your empathy, but I am okay!

xo

Bird

I read this story last night about a bird and a woman.
The woman and the bird fell in love, and out of fear that the bird would leave, the woman trapped the bird in a cage.
All the woman's friends exclaimed, "you must be so happy! you have everything you want now!"
But the woman grew tired of the bird, it's feathers began to fall out, and the bird lost all of it's liveliness.  Eventually, the bird died.
The woman was destroyed, and soon death came knocking for her as well.
When she asked, "why are you taking me?"
Death replied, "because it is the only way you can be with your love"

This got me thinking, have I trapped X?  Out of fear of losing him?  Is he in a metaphorical cage, withering away because of me?
He told me the other day that my state of mind lately (depressed) has been "sucking the life out of him."  That broke my heart.
I never wanted to bring him harm or pain.

But, as was explained to me, the story of the bird, isn't about harming someone, it is about letting them be free.  I hope that the people I love feel free around me.  I hope I bring them joy and happiness.  I hope I make their lives easier, and not difficult.  And I hope, more than anything in the world...I pray for this every morning...that they find Love Light and Happiness in their every day.

I just got home from a weekend in Fairmont BC with my friend Jill.  Who is a God send in my life.  Our age difference is vast and our lives couldn't be more different, but she is someone who adds strength to my life and joy to my heart.  I spent a great deal of time journaling and praying while I was away - I still havent mastered meditation (but I tried!), and on my drive home today - through the gorgeous mountains, with Adele's soothing voice blaring through my speakers...I found peace.  I haven't felt serene in a long time.  I have been battling depression and it has taken every thing in my power to not give up on life completely.
I was over come with this feeling that everything will be okay, and I finally began to believe what I have been preaching - God has a plan.
Things aren't always going to work out the way I want them too.  Even though I have been blessed with things working out pretty much on par to my expectations, it will not always be that way, and I have come to accept that.  And I mean that, I am not just saying it.

Yes, I am sad, and scared, and obsessing about X and where he is at, but I am OKAY.  And the coolest thing is, I know I will be if things with X come to an end.  It will take a while, and a lot of smoking and journaling, and most importantly, a lot of time with the amazing ladies in my life, but one day I will wake up and he won't be the first thing on my mind.  And put a few of those days in a row, and I may just be well on my way to feeling better.

Last night Steph said something quite insightful, as she always does, "If you're still thinking, he probably is too", just let him be."  I did think a lot this weekend.  I bounced around from my head and heart to being in agreement that it needed to be over, for real this time; to my head telling me to pray for courage and end things, while my heart broke even thinking about it; to now, where I am in full agreement that I DO want to be with X.  That of course means dropping expectations of him to change and accepting who he is, and more importantly, the willingness from him to be with me too.

I think I am rambling, which I don't to often do, so I wil wrap it up with as much wisdom as my full obsessive mind can muster.  Let go.  The only person who can make you happy is yourself, so be happy with yourself, and let go of the people who can't accept you.  Keep your side of the street clean and do your best every day to "do all things with love"