Curiosity killed the cat

I’m not much of a gambler.  I fear losing too much to really play.  But right now I am being forced to make a choice; gamble for something amazing that might destroy me- again, or play it safe with something else that is proving to be less amazing.

I have been approached to have a conversation with X regarding US.  Not life, or school, or people we know, or tattoos we are getting, or my ever changing hair color…but us.  He has had an awakening and needs to talk to me.  Out of curiosity I agreed to his meeting request.  I am scared to tell the truth about what my last few months have held, but more so afraid for my own sanity to lie.  I don’t want to hurt him, so I hope he doesn’t ask.  But I am chomping at the bit to know what he has to say.  I have been anxiously awaiting 9pm since 8am this morning.  That is 12 hours of (mostly) not smoking and lots of imagination.  He says he doesn’t know much, but he knows we are Ross and Rachel and he knows he doesn’t want chaos.  Doesn’t he realize that X + Y(that’s me) always = chaos?  Or it has in the past?

I’m in such a good spot right now.  My relationship with God is stronger than ever, my gratitude is at an all time high and I know EXACTLY what I want in a year, two years, and five years.  And thankfully, none of it is dependant on him or any new letter of the alphabet that enters in to the equation.  The sickeningly sad part of this all is that, X has hurt me so many times in the past, that I am unable to feel it anymore.  I am numb to his verbal punches and emotional kicks. 

A part of me feels it is stupid to meet with X at all (as does my mother), but my compassionate side who knows I will be alright no matter WHAT he says, tells me that every one deserves a chance to be heard.  Who am I to deny someone their voice when they have worked up the courage for a week to apologize for past behavior? 

The other part of the problem is A.  I woke up beside an incredibly handsome man Sunday morning, made him breakfast and coffee, and kissed him good bye…then promptly had a melt down.  A isn’t X.  and I have been trying to tell myself that A is better and that X didn’t mean anything to me…but I have been lying to myself. 

So what now?  Carry on being safe and happy with A?  Or back out completely and let myself FEEL the hurt of losing X before I try to replace him?

It makes me think of that Kenny Rogers song that played the first time I got dumped in high school…”ya gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away, know when to run…”

Well what happens when you just don’t know?

Face Everything And Recover (apparently)

It is official.  X has gone off the deep end.  Between rage and remorse he has totally lost it.

And unfortunately, as a result of my obsession with him, I feel like I am losing it too. 

I have a racing heart, sweaty palms, and a killer head ache.  It could be a result of me trying to hear what he was saying between all his curse words and name calling, or it could be because my fear of loss is kicking in and I am starting to panic.  I feel somewhat, if not fully, responsible for his well being.  I do take most of the credit for his smiles in the past four years so I fear he will never smile again if I abandon him.  He sure seems angry enough.  But wait a second…I am just NOT that important am I!  And he is angry.  His second voicemail of the day was less rage and more logic regarding his anger.  He is hurting, like anyone would, but assures me he doesn’t want a relationship with me he just feels loss.  And I don’t want a relationship with him, so why do I suddenly feel the need to go to him and comfort him?

I think that is funny thing about fears, no matter how hard you pray or how much work you put into removing them, they always find a way to pop up.  The fear of loss that I have is all familiar when it comes to X.  He was such a big part of my life that losing him scares me.  A lot.  I feel obsessed when he calls, like I have to check the voicemail INSTANTLY (because I never answer for fear of confrontation).  I feel controlled by the little light on my blackberry blinking to alert me of his text message.  I save every note, every email, and most texts.  Why?  Why is it so important to me that I let in infiltrate my thinking?  When my mind is quiet is when the danger emerges.  It is why I spend so much time hiding out in the yoga studio.  I find peace there.  In the 38 degree room with 35 other sweaty bodies around me…it is there I find true balance.  I can leave everything behind on my mat when I finish practice.  I am so grateful I discovered that peace.

But when I am not peaceful, and my mind is a riot…that is when it is hard to move, hard to think strait, and hard to function at all.  That only happens with one person.  I think about A more than I think about X, but when X gets in my head, I get scared and that overrules all other thoughts and emotions for me.  So why do we have this obsession?  I was with a girlfriend last night and she confirmed I am not the only one who feels this way about an ex.  I guess if anything, it’s nice to know I am not alone.

Strength in chaos

So in light of all the drama of last night, today got worse.  Way worse.  X decided to interrupt my serenity with a little chaos.  What happened is not important.  No drama really is.  Sure it is important to gab with girlfriends over refresh tea and muffins about the dirty deets of one’s life, but the essence of drama is how we recover from it.

Needless to say, I took things pretty well today.  My girlfriend suggests that I deserve a medal.  I agree.

I truly believe that the reason I was able to stay so strong through the emotional turmoil today is a direct result of how much work I have put in lately.  I feel closer to God than I ever have.  And I have been keeping my side of the street impeccably clean.  But the polish on all that goodness is the beautiful loving circle of people I have around me.  Thankfully I have friends I can text, call, or email anytime.  By the grace of God, I have A, who lets me talk about drama with X and allows me to feel anyway I need too without passing judgment.  And by some miracle, I have the most understanding, loving mother in the world who hears peace in my voice when I tell her about the confusion and reminds me I am worthy and loved.

I think that how we react in tumultuous times is a direct reflection of the type of person that we are.  Sure it would be easy, really easy today, to break down, but why?  What would tears, text messages, and tantrums do besides upset my serenity even more?  The thoughtfulness of our reactions is only as powerful and strong as the love in our hearts.  I wrote previously about ending bad partnerships with love.  I still believe that is the key to getting out alive.  Part with love.  Be resentment free.  And allow the confusion, chaos, hurt, and turmoil, to flow over you like water.  Ask God for help when someone you love is in trouble…because you cannot carry the weight of another’s heart..you can simply ask God to show them love, light, and happiness.

the other side of moving on

Today has been interesting.  At one point I felt I had been kicked in the stomach, and within a half hour, it resides to a dull thudding ache, luckily after an hour, it resonated no pain at all.

I talked to X today.  He asked me if he could come by work tomorrow and pick up somethings of his that I have...house keys (whoops) and a skip rope.  I refused that, as I didnt feel that seeing in the middle of my day was a was choice, but instead offered to drop by his place with his things.  Our conversation progressed into how his return to work was, and his request that as a result of my mushy gushy BBM status, that he be removed from my BBM list, as he didnt want to be kept up to date with my new romance.  I said I understood and admitted that yes I was seeing someone, then I asked the stupidest question of all, "are you?"
"Yes I am"

Everyone I have talked to, and of course that is pretty much everyone I know has determined X was lieing about his current relationship status to get a reaction out of me.
But what if he wasn't?
And why do I care?
Why did it feel like I had been karate chopped in the gut?
Why did my heart drop and my eyes well up for a brief second?

I have moved on but wasn't expecting him too.  Ever to be honest.  With as much humility as I can muster, though he told me three months ago "you're not good enough for me", I consider myself to be quite a catch.  Though I pray for him everyday to find love light and happiness, I wasn't praying for it to be so soon.  I at least wanted more comfort with where A and I are before I found out that X was seeing someone else.

So what is that?  I can move on but he can't?  It is unfair.  Especially because I am SO happy, don't I just truly want that for others?  If I am as good of a person as A says I am, than yes, yes I do want happiness for X.  But perhaps not this soon.  Mourn the loss of fabulous me for a little while longer.  Couldn't he have done that for just a bit?

Why do we do that?  Set double standards?  Why are break ups so messy?  Why do the gut feelings linger long after the heart has moved on?

As I sit here, post hot yoga and orange juice, writing to you by candle light with my new "Kissin Practice" playlist in the background...I feel quite calm.  I am ready for my life and I am excited to be part of the adventure, even if it means taking the occasional shot to the gut every now and then.

These are the feelings

I’m in this very fun place lately.

This, shave my legs-wash my hair- reapply my bronzer- moisturize excessively, place.  It is fun!  I love feeling excited to see A.  I shower and wash my hair every day now…I cover myself in Dream Cream (thanks Lush) every night and morning…and at the expense of my many nicks and scrapes, I shave my legs every other day.  This beginning feeling, where things are so exciting and you get that “punch me in the stomach” I’m excited feeling when you see them…this is the feeling I love.  I wear the cutest panties I have everyday, I plan my outfits for the week around when I am going to see him, and of course (because I wouldn’t be normal if I didn’t), I keep my eye lash curler on hand for 911’s that occur right before see him.

I laid down the rules early on and asked the 3 pertinent questions (as a result of being lied to be Z, I felt I needed to get some things out in the open early on):

1.)    Are you currently married or in a relationship?

2.)    Do you have children older than me?

3.)    Are you lying about your age?

A answered all questions appropriately (no, no, no) and let me know he was laughing so hard he could hardly get back to me.  Apparently my honesty and fear are “cute.” 

A is away for a week and I think it is safe to say I will miss him.  I have already decided to think about quitting smoking (see what I did there…hahahaha) and am going to push myself extra hard to make it to the gym and yoga daily like I used to…just so I am nice and taught for his return.  I feel foolish for missing him already…but I feel like I have been looking for him for a long time.  Finally I am in a place where I realize I deserve wonderful and I am so grateful I got blessed with it.

May all beings be happy....

Do you ever look at your life and wonder why?  Why things are going the way they are?

I have been lately.  Why have I been blessed with such wonderful people in my life?  Why do I have this amazing man in my life who makes me want to be better?  Why do I have the most understanding loving God?  Why are my friends the most beautiful people in the world?  I think it is because I am truly blessed.

I love my life and the people in it so much.  

“A” has shown me how to be grateful for the beauty that my life consists of.  He has led me to believe that life is a fantastic journey and not an arduous painful one.  I have never felt so happy in my life.  I have a wonderfully sarcastic roommate who loves me, even though he says he hates me; I have best friends who make me laugh, do my hair fabulously, and tell me they love me daily; I have a mom who takes care of me when I can’t take care of myself; and I have a man who tells me I am beautiful even when I feel awful.

The best part is, your life is just as fabulous.  Look for the good and you will find the good.  Don’t worry about broken relationships, don’t lose sleep over financial insecurity, don’t look for the next best thing.  Be happy and realize that you are exactly where you are meant to be.  Enjoy your life today because tomorrow, or the next day, may be harder.  God only gives us as much as we can handle.  It is what we do with our challenges that shapes us into the people we are.

Act with love, compassion, and tolerance towards all beings.  I ask God every morning how I can benefit others and I suggest that ALL beings be happy. It isn’t that difficult a request to make, nor it is hard to be the change you want to see in the world.  Be positive, full of love, and practice acceptance…

Now.

Chances in life are just that, chances. They don't come around everyday, or once a week, or even more than once a life time.  You have one shot...take it.  To be really truly happy you need to always be prepared for major changes in your life.

Never get to comfortable.  Don't get used to saying no and staying safe.  Take the God given gift of opportunity- don't think, don't ask for advice: act.

I have learned some things lately:

1.)  Never remain in a wrong or damaging partnership.  Part with love, peace, and understanding.  Be prepared to move away from the relationship so you can move on with your life...

2.)  Your true spiritual self comes only when you love yourself and love others.  Act with love.  

3.)  Be prepared to fall in love at any time.  Be prepared to fall out of love at anytime.  When the moment comes, and suddenly, "I don't you anymore" becomes the harsh truth, say good bye.

I think we have given the divine gift of life so we can live it fully.  Those of us who sit by and watch life go by are wasting the precious opportunity that we have been given to LIVE.  Accept the gift of life and smile.  Laugh. Dance. Love.

Sing you a lullaby

Happy Halloween!
That is all I have to say about that...
I have had an incredible couple of weeks, not one that many would consider the right kind of incredible but I have been taught so much by so many that are so much wiser than I.
I have been shown that real honest truthful happiness comes from within.
I have been told that I AM worth it and that I AM impressive.
I have been reminded that I am loved...no matter how much a broken heart can ache.

I am so blessed to have come into contact with an incredible person....A...lately.  We converse back and forth on this raw, thriving, vivacious level that I have yet to experience with anyone and trust it to be real.  I feel more alive than I have in a long time because this person is allowing me to see me for what I am.  A ask's the right questions and provides the right answers to give me the chance to unlock the secrets of myself that I have so long longed for.  I feel this peace inside me and I know I have a perma grin on my face.  But not because of A, but as a result of what A has done for me.
To find a person, other than my mom and my three best friends, who is able to make me smile, laugh, and tell horrible jokes, is amazing to me.  I never thought I was capable of connecting with someone on such a deep level after knowing them so briefly.  I feel that I have met my inspiration.  A person that makes me want to do a little better everyday because of what they are capable of.  A person who only after knowing me a little bit, wants to hear more and wants to understand my life.
As I sit here at 4am, I find sleep to be a dream because my mind is whirring with thoughts of A, and of course...X.  I feel at ease with where I am at with X.  I feel as though I have had enough of the distraction from my life that he has so long been.  I am a selfish person, but I am also wise.  Wise enough to know that sometimes, I need to come first.  And first right now is ME.  My happiness, my peace, my understanding of myself...
What I am getting at is this...seize the moments that leave you wondering why, and don't wonder why, just accept the moments.  These little moments and times of awe are the ones that make up a lifetime of happiness and joy.  Be prepared, be willing, to accept people, places and things as they come into your life, because they will be gone in a second. Don't think, just act.  Act with love and compassion and move forward, because if you aren't moving forward with love in your heart and ease in your mind, you are sitting still losing all your chances.

a little X intervention

“If he’s foolish enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him go”

My best friend sent me that quote the other day and it got me thinking…maybe I AM good enough.  When X left, he said, “You’re just not good enough for me.”  He has since revoked the statement, but it still stings.  To be told you aren’t good enough, is like not getting that job, or  not making the team…it is just an unfortunate feeling.  It plays with your pride, and messes with your ego.  I have had this inferiority complex the past few weeks.  On some days it is in full swing and I cant see past the bad skin, flat hair, and thunder thighs into the goodness that is ME.  On other days, I am so PROUD to be who I am and so grateful for all the gifts that God has given me.

I ask Him every morning to direct my thinking and to help me help others.  I have a forever prayer list, and I pray for those people everyday with the hope that TODAY they will see the light of His love.  But sometimes I wonder, is Anyone listening?  My thinking can get so convoluted with negativity and my actions can so easily be impulsive reactions that it makes me wonder if I am truly doing the next RIGHT thing, or if I am doing MY thing. 

I think back to that quote Krissy sent me Monday a lot and I find I can apply it to many circumstances in my life, but mostly with my struggles of letting go.  I don’t like to let go; one of my biggest fears is losing people.  Though, I am SURE someone would tell me that is selfish.  I hold on to people.  I charm, smile, laugh, and REFUSE to let go of people I love because the thought of them being happy without me, hurts me.  I want to be good enough for someone.  I want to be the reason that someone smiles first thing in the morning and person that someone can go to when they need to smile again.  But, who am I to play God?

So, when I am lost and feeling purposeless, I think about that quote, “… be smart enough to let him go.”  Nothing happens in God’s world by accident….I have to remember I am not the Master, and I have to just Live and Let Live…as best as I can…just for today.

Cracks

My mom texted me once and said, “The path to perfection is paved with cracks.” 

Lately I feel like I have covered enough cracks and am waiting for that perfection to kick in.  I know we aim for progress not perfection, but a daily dose of “ah- this is perfect” would be nice.  Even a weekly dose.  I have been battling a lot lately- issues with my best friend, new guy problems, loss, and the obsession is back in full force.

I feel resentful at myself for not being “ok” at 16 months; I feel like I am failing myself and others when I struggle.  Perhaps my standards are too high, perhaps I am right where I am meant to me, but either way…I am not happy with where I am.  I think lack of happiness is a key indicator that something needs to change.  But what?  I am walking the walk and talking the talk; I carry the message, help others, and talk to people about where I am at, but I can’t seem to find anyone who I can really connect to- at least enough to share these deep fears and resentments that I struggling with.  The one person who I believe would understand me because he is so comfortable in his own state of misery and confusion, is X, and I just cannot bring myself to reach out to him.  Though, in a serious state of weakness Saturday I called him.  Thankfully, it was late, he didn't answer, and I didn’t leave some pathetic voicemail.  But still, I made the call, which is bad enough. 

I think what it is that gets in the way of me reaching out to other people and really trusting them is my ego and my pride.  I don’t think that anyone will accept struggling me and I don’t think that anyone will understand where I am at.  When did I become so important! 

 

“Greatness is not found in possessions, power, position, or prestige. It is discovered in goodness,

humility, service, and character”

 

I have come to realize in the past couple hours that perfection isn’t attainable for me, and that is not a bad thing.  I will do my best every day, but in the mean time, I will tip toe over the cracks, smile through the journey, and just follow the light at the end of the tunnel.  It is easy to be lively when things are bright, but harder to do so when things are dark…acceptance is key, and I must never EVER forget, to “Live and Let Live.”

Goodbyes are so unsettling

I’m no good at goodbyes.  For the longest time I thought I only struggled with them when someone pulled away from me, but last night I realized that it is just as hard when it is my choice.

I said good bye to someone who has become very important to me last night.  I’ve got my fair share of people telling me it is foolish, but I also have my supporters.  I am struggling with my decision today.  I am unsure of my logic behind the decision to leave Z.  I have all these reasons as to why I made the right choice, but my fear of being alone is hauling me backwards…into his arms and into his life.  How is it fair to be one foot in with someone?  I’ve always believed that when it is RIGHT you know it, I just wasn’t sure.  There were too many trust issues, too many unanswerable questions, and of course, the intense lingering feelings I have for the ex.

But I was happy.  Really happy.  I think I still am?  I am trying to be, but it is hard.  I feel an immense loss today.  The feelings of remorse and guilt I have for saying goodbye, are almost enough to bring me back.  Why is that?  Do I fear being alone so much that I stay with people I am uncertain about?  It would explain my years of running back to X so many times.

I like to think I am healthier than that now.  I like to think that I can handle my life and manage my feelings.  I really truly believe that those who suggested I take a little time for myself, were right all along.  I feel like I brought old habits and old problems into a new relationship.  Not only was that unfair to Z, it was unfair to any chance I had at being truly happy.

They say that loneliness is a self inflicted pain, and I fear I have just pricked myself with the pin of despair.  I am afraid to be lonely.  Not afraid to be alone really, just I hate being lonely, and sometimes that awful feeling cant be cured at a night club, with friends, or even in the rooms.  So, I guess I will eat my blueberries for now and remember that I feel okay for now, and ill worry about tomorrow, or the changing feelings when they come.  If you need me this weekend, I will be hiding out in the gym and the yoga studio…covering my feelings with lunges and (attempting) the perfect Dancer’s Pose.

Disappointment is a self inflicted pain

Disappointment is a funny thing.  It starts with an expectation and ends with a realization that you created the chaos in your head.

I am feeling a little off kilter today so I thought I would share it with you guys.  My voice is still perky, my hugs are still snug, and my smile is still infectious…but I am feeling bit, well, like my old self.  I have this insecure neurotic thought pattern, I am obsessively checking my phone, and I am beyond emotionally drained to the point where I took a nap on a yoga mat.  

I know a little bit about being a good person and what it takes to be happy, but I am also the master at not following my own rules.  I get up on my soapbox and preach my words of wisdom to my friends and family, but I struggle at listening to myself and forcing myself to understand.

I built up this grand event in my head last night and was let down when it didn’t come to fruition.  I blamed the other party involved for my sudden lack of serenity, when really, as I mentioned, it is my expectation that leads to my decreased happiness.

I think the key to understanding our feelings is that realization that we base our feelings today on our experiences yesterday.  I know the biggest reason I am feeling let down and unloved today is because it is how I used to feel regularly.  When someone begins to act in a way that others have before, I begin to feel the way I did before.  Does that make sense? 

There is no sudden answer or logical reason behind my resentment today.  It is simply what it is.  My reasoning may be childish or immature, but realistically speaking, it stems from my fears; my fear of not being good enough, not being loved, and of people always leaving.  You can call me needy, insecure, or emotionally unavailable- I wont argue with that, but don’t forget that I am honest, vulnerable, and compassionate.  I feel love with every ounce of my being and when I am hurt, it hurts just as deep.

I feel like every person deserves a lot of respect and a little bit of true love in their lives.  And for all you men out there wondering what you did wrong…if you have enough time to take a leak during the day, you have enough time to send a text!

So, I will go back to watching my blackberry not light up with the promise of a text message of God forbid a phone call and Ill pray that one day Ill take my own advice and not be such a needy little girl.

Reset

My little brother Scott said one day over dinner, “the great thing about life, is you can start over anytime you want.” (or something very similar).

Where did this tall handsome 17 year old get such wisdom- not from me that is for sure!

But how true it is.  No matter low we have fallen on our spiritual totem pole, there is always that reset button we can hit.  No, it is not the EASY button but the emotional restart that we as humans are capable of choosing is a beautiful thing.  Days can be long, arduous, troubling things and when we live in that….chaos, we lose track with our true being, but when we step back, look at the big picture, and make the choice to turn it over and start again- we are gifted with a fresh start.

Easy enough sounding right?  For me I can reset the day with a great cup of coffee, a phone date with my mom, or a visit to a friend over the lunch hour.  Restarting my day isn’t about what other people can for me, it is about what I can do for myself.  I’ve learned lately that I am the true master of my destiny, and with the exception of God, I have the most control over my life.  Choosing to be happy, faithful, honest, kind, positive, and sober is the choice I make every day.  Knowing that I have the power to control ONLY my actions is a relieving thing.  I don’t know what the reply to a text carefully speaking my mind that says, “I miss you” will be, nor do I know the reaction of the other person when I bring them coffee over lunch.  I can hope both responses will be positive because I have acted lovingly and honestly, but I cannot expect them to be that way.  When I have an expectation for things to happen, I am building a resentment almost immediately.  Being expectation-less does not mean that we allow ourselves to be treated poorly or disrespectfully; it means that we allow things to happen as they are supposed to happen.  I take things one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time.  But when things are really bad, to the point where I am tempted to isolate, lie, or even pick up a drink…I can always just start again.

 I was in a rough spot yesterday.  My trust issues became very clear to me, and again I was faced with my fear of losing people.  I was angry, sad, shameful, and guilty.  I felt like my bubble had been popped and again I was just a zombie going through the motions of life but refusing to feel. I do that when I am feeling down, I refuse to feel anything to avoid the sadness.  I simply couldn’t find my reset button to turn things around.  So, I picked up the phone.  I talked to a friend about where I was at, how I was feeling, and the fact that I was so stressed out I was punishing myself by not eating again.  By the time I finished talking to my friend, I realized he had hit my reset button for me.  How lucky am I to have friends who will do that for me?  Talk me through my confusion and love me until I figure stuff out.  My friend calls himself the “donkey”, and it makes sense, as he has carried me through a lot of stuff.

No matter where you are at or how far down you think you’ve gone, remember to have faith that everything will turn out.  There are no such things as accidents in your life.  You have the most control over your thoughts and actions….exercise that control carefully and be your best self.  And when you can’t be…start again.  Scottie always has it together so I may as well take his advice!

Deep Sustenance

It doesn’t interest me what drives you, motivates you, scares you, or lifts you up…it interests me what sustains you.  What keeps you going when all else fails?  What makes you wake up in the morning?  What feeds your soul and keeps your belief alive?   How do you get through when all else fails?  What is your life preserver when there is nothing else to hold on to?  What do you ache for….

For me it is love.  Love for myself and those around me.  Love for my family and friends.  Love for my brothers and sisters in the room.

Love makes me wake up in the morning with a smile on my face.  Love gets me through hard yoga classes and endurance runs.  Love pushes me to be the best possible version of myself all the time.  Love convinces me that even on the hardest days, I will be okay.

I have love for my parents and I have faith they will stay together, happy, and free for the rest of their lives.  I have love for my siblings and know that they will find what they are looking for.  I have love for my friends who have gone before me, as I know they are in their resting place with Him residing over their spirits.  I have love for God as I understand Him, as it is he who keeps my faith alive.

But what is there to find love in when my heart feels like it is cracked beyond repair?  What is there to love and who am I to remain faithful when my mom gets cancer?  Why am I to believe in love when the person I have given my all too just leaves?  Love and disappointment can go hand in hand for me.  Love and darkness find themselves side by side in my heart far too often.  But without darkness, there can be no light.  And those wounds, left so raw and open after so many years are healed by love.  By loving myself, my family, and the new and old friends in my life a, I can have faith that the eventual light will shine from the darkness.  The self inflicted pains of loneliness are cured by love.  The fear of cancer is squashed by loving our sick friends as much as we can.  We become understanding that people must leave us to save themselve.

It isn’t easy.  It isn’t at all. But love feeds my spirit and my soul.  Love keeps me alive.  Love gives me hope.  Love sustains me.  What sustains you when all else fails and you are left alone and scared?

Openness

We are not loved for what we do, rather, for who we are.  When we let love flow through us like the beam of energy that it is, we are rewarded with a sense of joy and peacefulness that cannot be replaced.

The most beautiful thing about loving fully, is that we are open to realize damage.  We can get off the treadmill that keeps us walking on eggshells and having the same fights.  We can detach with love from the people in our lives that WE are no longer good for.  We can send love, light, and happiness their way every time we think of them, and know that they will always have a home in our hearts. 

The most rewarding thing about love is the filling feeling it allows us to have.  Love is like a big meal- it sustains us and keeps up going forward.  Without love we are empty lifeless bodies made up of hair skin and nails.  The feeling of being nothing is devastating.  We question our need to be on this earth and we doubt any reason for our existence- but when we allow love into our hearts we can live again.  Freely.  Joyfully.  Truthfully.

We fear so much in our lives; failure, success, crowds, loneliness, death, life.  But often what we fear most is true happiness as it has the ability to take us to a level we never expected.  It transports us to another dimension where we lose control and often find ourselves laughing and smiling so freely that we immediately recoil from it like a hot flame.

At the end of the day, the biggest fear I have, is not letting love take me to where I need to go.  Not having the courage and the faith to trust that the path that love will guide me down the is the right one.  I fear looking back and realizing what I missed out on.  It requires surrendering to what is Greater than I and being willing to ask for help when I need it.

In this place, this moment of compete peace, fear, surrender, courage, and FAITH, we find ourselves.  We find what we are looking for and that is patience.  We sit and wait for what must find us and we believe that it will.  And when it does, we are ready. We are open to joy, freedom, love, and happiness, and we do not fear the unknown that is tomorrow.

Butterflies

I have this stupid grin on my face.  I can't stop laughing.  I am told that I look better.  My shoulders are rolled back and my head is high.  Why the sudden change in behaviour?  I am the fake happy girl- the one who smiles when appropriate but really inside feels like she is getting stabbed in the gut.  Not these days though, lately I am really happy, all the time.  I smile because I want to and because I mean it, and I laugh with my entire soul.
How!  Why!  What did I do to change!
I let go.
I let go of the pain, the angst, the hurt, the disappointment, and the anger.
then I opened myself up, as wide as I could, and I let myself be flooded with whatever feeling came my way.
I cried in the arms of a good friend one night, I smoked too many cigarettes for a couple weeks, and I journaled Carrie Bradshaw style until I felt normal.  And when I felt normal, and I opened my eyes and I looked around at all the beauty the world has to offer- I discovered what over indulging in yoga, running, friendships, and new crushes can do.  I sprang free of resentment and expectations and began to love again.  Really truly love- but not X, or Z....I began to love Y (I am Y).
I realized one morning that I am so okay with who I am.  And I lead the most charmed life.
When I began to be happy, i began to attract happy people.
I have someone in my life these days who makes me laugh (SO HARD) and makes me feel safe when he hugs me.  I am finally not walking on eggshells, or trying to be someone I am not, and it feels so good!

So, open yourself up.  To pain, to hurt, to joy! to freedom...
be one with yourself and God as you understand Him.  Pray, meditate, journal.  And believe that everything that is meant to happen, WILL happen.

Understand that without openness, you are nothing, that without hope the world will die, and without love, new or old, the heart will cease to beat.

Make decisions as they come- don't wait.
Pay compliments as people deserve them.
Forgive when it is needed, not only when it is deserved.
And FEEL.  Most importantly, just feel.

XYZ

My head hurts from the all the f***ing.  Not the fun kind, but the mind messing, head pounding, fist clenching, shoe throwing kind.  You know the good ole’ head screw that comes because you give someone else too much power?  The one person who can make me go “mental”, as my mother says, is the one I have deemed all powerful.  What kind of craziness is that!  For the answer, refer to my last blog where I describe my addiction to chaos.  Insert chaos here.

I read in one of my dusty self help binders (because I print stuff and put it in binders rather than pay for it), that when you are experiencing negative thought, you should talk to yourself like you are talking to a good friend in the same situation.  Well okay,

DEAR GOOD FRIEND, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!

That is what I would say.  Nothing consoling about that hey?  I guess I need a good kick in the ass- any takers?  Not that it would matter.  My unmanageable head tells me chaos is the only way to live.  I guess after years of it I have become dependent on it- God I am crazy aren’t I?  I am stubborn, rotten, and very confident that my way is THE way (probably not a good Lava Life line).  In this case, as in most, those traits are not really paying off for me.

I have been letting X text me and call me at his convenience…be nice and charming to me…supportive, kind, and even loving….yet I am left with the final knowledge that he is X and I am Y and we will “never” be XY again.  Does that make sense?  We broke up.  Again-still-not really.  Who knows.  All I know is that I am happy.  I love yoga over fights, I love the gym over sexless nights, I love eating dinner at 10pm over walking on eggshells, but I can’t seem to let it go. 

Why is that?  Why isn’t happiness a good enough reason for me to stick it out?  There is even a Z in the equation now.  I am quite fond of Z...I don’t know if he knows this.  Would it be juvenile to pass him a note that says, “I have a crush on you.”  Yes- yes it would be, but so cute.  The thing about me turning from XY into Y and so quickly wanting to be YZ, is that I know what I like as Y, but when I turn into Y with anything else….I lose track of it all.  Suddenly things aren’t important and my happiness becomes dependant on the other “letter” (please tell me you’ve gathered what I am talking about).  I know I know….I am co dependant and my life in unmanageable.  I have work to do don’t I?

I think tonight ill do what I am good at- gym, yoga, ½ a pizza, then JERSEY SHORE.  See I still find true indescribable happiness in the overly tanned, too drunk madness of MTV.  I’ll close with this question though…what in your life is unmanageable but oh so good to feel the sting of…do you have an X?

A splash of indifference

I’ve been thinking (and not acting because I am terrified of my mother) about tattoos a lot lately.

A couple things jump out at me:

“everywhere she goes, a million dreams of love surround her”

And

“when the world says give up, hope whispers, try one more time”

Why am I thinking about tattoos?  Perhaps it is because of the milestone I took in the beginning of June, or the end, yet again, of the same relationship. 

I feel like I am in a more accepting place with both those things than I would have been a year ago.  Milestones are a good time for reflection…they allow us good reason to look back at where we were and where we came from.  I have been stuck lately on who I was and not living in who I am.   I feel stronger, more mature, and a tiny bit wiser, but not as confident, honest, and sane as I would like to be- but WHO is as sane as they would like to be?  I don’t lose my temper anymore like I used too, now that could be the meds…but I still feel like I am riding this wave in  and I never know what the next day, or moment is going to hold.

Is that exciting for you?  Not knowing the future, because it sucks for me.  I like things NOW and I like things MY way.  I don’t care if my imagination is a fairy tale.  I like things to be perfect and I am not so good at letting things go when they aren’t.  but the insane part of me loves the chaos too.  I love the drama and the edginess and the revolt and the unmanageability.  I get that all those things are strange addictions….but I thrive off them.  I take things personally just to get a rush.  Sometimes, often lately, I feel like a zombie made up of hair, nails, and skin…and I have nothing inside.

I am not dying, nor am I depressed, but I am constantly searching for that rush.  I do hours of yoga almost every day and push myself to dizzy at the gym…I find that head spinning, almost vomiting point of excitement for 1.2 seconds then it is gone.  Why do I search so hard to find something so chaotic?  It is probably the addict in me that loves it so much.  Too many cigarettes, too much tanning, too much exercise, too much of the same boy…whatever it is, give me drama in excess and I feel ALIVE.

So yes.  I want to feel the familiar prick of a needle etching its way across my skin, permanently marking my body just for the rush and to forever remind myself of where I am at….so mom, be grateful I am not getting some God awful body piercing….or Heaven forbid- coloring my hair dark again!   

sluts are just girls starving off boredom until their soul mates come along

Valentine’s Day.  Hallmark’s money making scam between Christmas and Easter?  The most romantic day of the year?  An opportunity to dress up and either drink alone, or laugh when appropriate at your significant other’s stories?

Who knows.

I have had one good Valentine’s Day.  Three years ago....new boyfriend, new top, new restaurant.  We did the whole thing to the max.  An amazing five course meal, two mind numbing bottles of wine, strawberries dipped in North America’s aphrodisiac (chocolate), and the romantic chat and cuddle in front of the fire place.  I got a card, flowers, a spa day, concert tickets, and an evening of compliments.  Since then, it’s been downhill.  Guys do that, they impress me so much at the beginning that anything after the initial courting is below par.

I don’t know the meaning of Valentine’s Day, but I know I have a love hate relationship with it.  I am in love with effort that my friend’s go through to please their significant others.  I am in love with the Valentine’s Day cards (I have about seven blank ones at home that I “had” to buy).  I am in love with the dress up, be wined, and dined, concept.  But I hate the “I’m alone and have no one to go home to” part.

The radio has told me that if I don’t get a Hercules Knot (Spence Diamonds) this year then no one loves me; the card store has shown me that there are thousands of moderately well worded poems out there and if I don’t get one, I am no one; and the street side advertisement about roses being on sale tells me that even when roses are half price, I am not “sweet” enough to get any.  I mean, COME ON!

So, really, is it worth it parading around saying, “I HATE Valentine’s Day because I am single and no one loves me!!!”?  If you ask me, it’s the thoughtful moments that are not insisted upon that mean the most.  The random flowers and hidden notes that I remember the most and that make it into my Memory Box.   So , if you don’t get a card or flowers or even a Lindt Chocolate heart (which are to die for), put on your sexy panties Monday, apply an extra coat of mascara, and wear a great bra, maybe you’ll have a boyfriend by days end.  And if you are in love with the wrong guy and thus permanently single (or let down) like me, drink.  Or if you are single like me and don’t drink, do yoga.  Yoga is the new vodka, didn’t you know?

Happy (almost) Valentine’s Day Lovelies.

Live and Let Live

I’m being faced with something called reality.  It’s not pleasant, nor is it easy to accept.  I don’t like it and I want to change it.  I am unhappy because I can’t control it and it’s not my way.  I don’t want to feel it or learn from it or become better because of it.  I want the pain to be over and I want things my way.

I think I must have been cuddled a lot as a child and told I was loved quite frequently (Mom, you read this, am I right?) because when I don’t have those things in my life, I feel like I am wandering aimlessly.  I am dependant on relationships to keep me afloat because I am so unsure of who I am on my own.  I’ve led my life so I am masterfully intertwined with another person, so that I don’t have to look at myself or stand on my own two feet.  Codependent?  Yup.  I use people as a safety net.  Sometimes I wonder what would happen to me if I didn’t have the incredibly loving and supportive mother I have.  Or if all the strong women I have latched onto were to suddenly pull away…. 

I may be hurting now because my heart is broken, but at least I have this fantastic foundation of friends who I can lean on anytime.  I can complain about the same stuff every week, send the same heartfelt emails, and come upon the same solution…and these rock solid, totally sane friends of mine, STILL love me.  Then there is mother I so casually mentioned previously.  How lucky am I that I have someone who I can call and hang up on and she still answers the phone the next time I need her.  She’s honest, but good at biting her tongue; she’s giving, but won’t let me walk all over her; and she is compassionate without being too emo.  Am I blessed?  As rotten as I can be, and as ungrateful as I can seem…absolutely I am.

I am learning to Let Go, and to Let God (for my spiritual friends).  I’m in a situation where someone has decided to leave me for good, and guess what?  I have to let them.   There are some things that are far beyond my control. Even though I have the strength to fight for them, and the hope that things will change (do they ever?) I have to accept the cold, harsh truth…the person that I don’t think I can live without, can live without me.

At the end of the day though, I’ve lived with myself for 24 years, and I only had him around for 3; in the long run, I know I am going to be okay and I know I am going to bounce back (even if it means leaning against a good friend or a great mother) because I have friends that haven’t left me, and those are the relationships that count.. Even on the days when I'm bitching and whining and crying, I have the BEST friends in the world to restrain me from sending that text and to help me drown my sorrows in blizzards and diet pepsi.  So thank you D.B, J.B, S.C, and Mumsie, for being patient enough to love a batshit crazy girl like me.  And future husband, if  you are reading this, I am so sorry I am broken and twisted…but I have great legs...

What is Love?

What is love?

Is it willing to die for someone?

Is it living with someone?

Is it marrying someone?

Is it having kids?

I sure don’t know.  I live on my own, I’m not married, I don’t have kids. 

Love to me was fighting to stay with someone and refusing to let go of them.  Love to me meant feeling complete (sometimes) with one person.   Love was having that one person who would hold you and make the sadness of the day disappear.   Love was making dinner; watching the news; and lying foot to foot on the couch, rubbing each other’s feet and talking about the day.

That is what I thought love was.  I was incapable of looking in the mirror by myself and feeling love.  If I didn’t have that perfect man  behind me in the reflection, I was loveless and miserable.  I was broken on my own and fighting every day to make the perfect relationship. 

I say WAS because I’m growing.  I was told that today by a very good friend of mine, someone I trust.  He said, “do you have any idea how much you are changing and growing?”  That made me feel….well, loved.  And I realized that lately I have been able to look in the mirror, on my own, and think, I’m okay, and I love myself.  Ok, that is half a lie….I am starting to love myself.

I would still like to be a little trimmer, more tanned, and more tantalizing, BUT I am who I am, or as I really like to say, “it is what it is.”  It is easy to love myself when I have a man who can’t keep his hands off me, but it is harder and more important to love myself when I am on my own.

How do I go about ensuring that I am in love, or falling in love, with myself?  I love without expecting love in return.  I give without waiting for something to come back.  I care before being cared about.  By giving away compassion, trust, and love, I am doing things to not only show the world around me love, but to also take out some insurance for myself, hoping against all odds that on my own, I am capable of love.

Dictionary.com has seven definitions for the word love.  Everything from deep affection to sex.  That makes me wonder, how often do I use the word love to cover up the feeling of lust.  How often do I base love, on the physical action of making love?  I look at my past and can surely say, I have done so.  I wonder, can I really say I have EVER made love, when I haven’t ever loved myself?  I answer no.

I have said, “I love you!!” so many times, but really, do I love, or am I just afraid to lose?

Sexy Panties

My Valentine’s Day lingerie came in from Victoria’s Secret today.

You know, the cute summer peach baby doll I ordered when I had a boyfriend?

The one that was going to cause him to exclaim, “you look amazing...but don’t waste your money!  It’s like wrapping paper on a gift!” as he always did.

Unfortunately now, there is no boyfriend to enjoy it.  But you can bet money that tonight I will be having a dance party and prancing around in my new lingerie, FOR ME.

New panties are going to make me happy even if no one ever sees them.  I have a theory that your skivvies should always be cute and matching because who knows if today is the day you end up at an impromptu hot tub party!  And nothing feels better than putting on sexy panties underneath boring dress pants, or your baggy boyfriend jeans...I mean come on!  Those lacy panties that you never wear because they are impractical...are essentially screaming out with the personality you wish you had the confidence to show the world!  Every girl needs her sex panties, and every girl needs to make them her any day panties.

Say good bye to your light blue granny panties with the bleach stain.  Throw them away!  They are good for nothing!  Cut the, “I ride too high and show out the top of your jeans” thong right in half...you look sleazy!  And burn those awful “that time of month” pairs.  Vomit...We feel bad enough every 21 days, do we need to remind ourselves of it by wearing Fruit of the Loom one size fits all boxer briefs? 

Sexy panties are a girls best friend.  Screw dogs and $1200.00 handbags (thought I love both...).  Panties that make my rear end look like I just stepped out of the Victoria’s Secret catalogue are my soul mate.  They make me feel like a million dollars whenever I need it.  I feel like I have a secret when I wear them to a job interview or (gasp) a place of organized religion.

So, silky or lacy; black or pink; itty bitty or booty short...go buy a pair of panties that make YOU feel like you’re worth it.  Because then, even when you don’t have a date for Valentines Day, you’ll be able to throw on your fabulous panties, make some pancakes, and feel like the sexiest girl on the planet (and yes, it’s ok to hope the sexy UPS guy / plumber / cable guy shows up “unexpectedly”).

Looking Back

Here’s the truth.  I don’t like pain.  I am not one of those girls who thinks pain is growth, or broken hearts lead us to Mr. Right (maybe Mr. Right Now).  I don’t like feeling lost, helpless, sad, angry, or confused.  I grew up in an ideal world, despite divorce and cancer…my life was perfect.  I have been given everything I want.  I don’t have to work very hard to get what I want or maintain my life.  I don’t like not being okay.

These days I spend so much time worrying about not being ok that when I am ok, I ruin it!  I’m NEVER going to love again, I am NEVER going to have sex again, I am NEVER going to trust anyone again, I am NEVER going to cook again and thus, be stuck alone, blogging, and eating dressing-less salads (because God knows a huge ass isn’t going to help me find love).

I feel like one of those little toy dogs that you wind up and it bounces around the floor yipping and barking until you kick it to the wall.  I am frazzled.  I am scared.  I do not like that things aren’t going my way.  I want to feel better today, now.  Not in a year when I’ve “gotten to know me (vomit)” or “I’m reconnected with myself (shudder).”  I want it all now.  More specifically, I want a nice, smart, strong, friendly, likes animals, dark haired man between the ages of 30 and 35, who will make my life a romantic comedy (if he had Matthew McConaughey abs that would be more than acceptable).

The worst part of this emotional disability I seem to be suffering from, is that I CANNOT stop looking back.  I am having a very hard time remembering what the ex did TO me, I am only remember what he did FOR me.  And because I have selective memory syndrome (I just invented that, it’s normally found in girls with broken hearts), he did LOTS for me, and absolutely nothing to me.  See, the way my head is remembering it, I have lost Mr. Prince Charming, however; those of you who know the situation (S.C) know that isn’t really the case.

All the looking back is really hindering my “Live in the Now” attempt at life.  And it’s making me hurt all over again.  If only everything was easy enough as it was logical....seriously though, I spend SO much time looking back while trying to move forward, I may as well have a relationship rearview mirror.