Sexy Panties

My Valentine’s Day lingerie came in from Victoria’s Secret today.

You know, the cute summer peach baby doll I ordered when I had a boyfriend?

The one that was going to cause him to exclaim, “you look amazing...but don’t waste your money!  It’s like wrapping paper on a gift!” as he always did.

Unfortunately now, there is no boyfriend to enjoy it.  But you can bet money that tonight I will be having a dance party and prancing around in my new lingerie, FOR ME.

New panties are going to make me happy even if no one ever sees them.  I have a theory that your skivvies should always be cute and matching because who knows if today is the day you end up at an impromptu hot tub party!  And nothing feels better than putting on sexy panties underneath boring dress pants, or your baggy boyfriend jeans...I mean come on!  Those lacy panties that you never wear because they are impractical...are essentially screaming out with the personality you wish you had the confidence to show the world!  Every girl needs her sex panties, and every girl needs to make them her any day panties.

Say good bye to your light blue granny panties with the bleach stain.  Throw them away!  They are good for nothing!  Cut the, “I ride too high and show out the top of your jeans” thong right in half...you look sleazy!  And burn those awful “that time of month” pairs.  Vomit...We feel bad enough every 21 days, do we need to remind ourselves of it by wearing Fruit of the Loom one size fits all boxer briefs? 

Sexy panties are a girls best friend.  Screw dogs and $1200.00 handbags (thought I love both...).  Panties that make my rear end look like I just stepped out of the Victoria’s Secret catalogue are my soul mate.  They make me feel like a million dollars whenever I need it.  I feel like I have a secret when I wear them to a job interview or (gasp) a place of organized religion.

So, silky or lacy; black or pink; itty bitty or booty short...go buy a pair of panties that make YOU feel like you’re worth it.  Because then, even when you don’t have a date for Valentines Day, you’ll be able to throw on your fabulous panties, make some pancakes, and feel like the sexiest girl on the planet (and yes, it’s ok to hope the sexy UPS guy / plumber / cable guy shows up “unexpectedly”).

Looking Back

Here’s the truth.  I don’t like pain.  I am not one of those girls who thinks pain is growth, or broken hearts lead us to Mr. Right (maybe Mr. Right Now).  I don’t like feeling lost, helpless, sad, angry, or confused.  I grew up in an ideal world, despite divorce and cancer…my life was perfect.  I have been given everything I want.  I don’t have to work very hard to get what I want or maintain my life.  I don’t like not being okay.

These days I spend so much time worrying about not being ok that when I am ok, I ruin it!  I’m NEVER going to love again, I am NEVER going to have sex again, I am NEVER going to trust anyone again, I am NEVER going to cook again and thus, be stuck alone, blogging, and eating dressing-less salads (because God knows a huge ass isn’t going to help me find love).

I feel like one of those little toy dogs that you wind up and it bounces around the floor yipping and barking until you kick it to the wall.  I am frazzled.  I am scared.  I do not like that things aren’t going my way.  I want to feel better today, now.  Not in a year when I’ve “gotten to know me (vomit)” or “I’m reconnected with myself (shudder).”  I want it all now.  More specifically, I want a nice, smart, strong, friendly, likes animals, dark haired man between the ages of 30 and 35, who will make my life a romantic comedy (if he had Matthew McConaughey abs that would be more than acceptable).

The worst part of this emotional disability I seem to be suffering from, is that I CANNOT stop looking back.  I am having a very hard time remembering what the ex did TO me, I am only remember what he did FOR me.  And because I have selective memory syndrome (I just invented that, it’s normally found in girls with broken hearts), he did LOTS for me, and absolutely nothing to me.  See, the way my head is remembering it, I have lost Mr. Prince Charming, however; those of you who know the situation (S.C) know that isn’t really the case.

All the looking back is really hindering my “Live in the Now” attempt at life.  And it’s making me hurt all over again.  If only everything was easy enough as it was logical....seriously though, I spend SO much time looking back while trying to move forward, I may as well have a relationship rearview mirror.

Am I There Yet?

My life would be better if:

I had Marissa Miller’s body.

Oprah’s money.

Mother Teresa’s compassion.

Nancy Pelosi’s intelligence.

Kristin Wiig’s humour.

And the balance of my favourite yoga teacher.

If I only was prettier, smarter, funnier, and could stand on one foot longer...my quality of life would be SO much better!  Even if I just had one of those things...everything else would fall in to place!  Oh cruel God, don’t you know that you’ve given me nothing!  You’ve set me up for failure because I am a nothing!  Every girl I walk by is prettier; everyone I talk to is funnier; everyone I work with is smarter!

WHOA IS ME!!!!

Come on now.  I mean REALLY, REALLY ladies.  How many times have we whined that our jeans are too tight or our boyfriends are friends with the really funny girl?  We whine, get compliments, give the appropriate thanks, then get back to feeling inadequate.  What is going to take for us to be okay?  I’m not perfect.  I envy everyone for something they have that I want., but guess what?  I think that’s ok.  I am jealous of the gal at work who is ALWAYS happy, that can drive me to be more positive!  I am jealous of the man at work with the soft voice and compassionate heart, that will push me to be more loving!  I am jealous of the friend with the job they LOVE, that will remind me to open my eyes....

So often we base our happiness on what we SHOULD be, COULD have been, or WOULD have done differently, why can’t we base our happiness on who we are today, and who we can strive to be tomorrow? 

But, as I speed along this seemingly endless road to the destination “Who I Hope To Be”, I can’t help but whine, “Am I there yet?”

Phase 2

Phase 2.

Anger.

I don’t know the legit phases of grieving.  But i am very clearly on phase 2.  In about 10 minutes I morphed from content, accepting, and understanding, to angry, bitchy, and hurt.

Am I choosing anger as an outlet so I don’t need to feel sadness?  Am I name calling and accusing because I don’t want to face the truth?  Am I bringing up past fights for extra ammo?

The end of a relationship is a tricky thing.  The grieving process for me is complicated, and painful, and in past years, vodka fuelled.  To be sober and rational and accepting are ALL foreign concepts to me, and to have to grasp them all at the same time?  (insert boot throwing frustration from earlier posting) OH GOD!!!!!!!!

The vengeful part of me wants to post a lengthy list of all the reasons why I am “allowed “ to be mad.  But why?  My ego tells me that I am completely and totally faultless in all the wrongs that have been done to me.  My pride keeps me from evaluating the situation and seeing my part.  And that self righteous anger, is one of my biggest character defects.  I can twist, pull, turn, and bend every situation so I am the victim.  I did nothing wrong.  I focus on the things I did to make myself girlfriend of the year (back rubs, blow jobs, and burgers), and I carefully block out the....less then desirable qualities that go perfectly with my Princess attitude. 

But the whole story, which is clear when I am rational and calm and claiming my part, clearly shows two people, equally at fault for driving a wedge in the relationship...unfortunately, it’s not just him.  Is it ever just them?  I look at the people I resent because they wronged me, FOR NO REASON, and I start to question...where was I wrong?  When I feel like screaming, yelling, name calling, and throwing boots at him, I need to be honest.  I was needy.  Dishonest.  Selfish.  Untrusting.  Unfaithful.

Talk about the pot calling the kettle black....

It is what it is

I have moments, flashes, brief seconds...of sadness, fear, self pity, and loneliness.  I start thinking that I will never be smart enough, pretty enough, nice enough, skinny enough...ENOUGH, to be loved.  That evolves into a belief that I’ll be alone forever, perhaps in the company of a few (hundred) cats, and my favourite little brother Scott- because he loves me too much to see me suffer alone.  When those thoughts are fully developed, I start crying, getting angry, and often throwing a boot (these mental flashes happen the most often when I get home to an empty house).  To fully take advantage of the range of emotions that wallowing in self pity evokes, I then start cursing God.  How DARE He make me so awful?  How DARE He have me fall in love with the most unattainable people?  How DARE He make Coach shoulder bags $1,200.00?

What happens is next is quite delightful.  I give myself the kind of pep talk that I imagine a famous boxer would give himself before the mouth guard goes in and his forehead is lubed up.  I sometimes throw a couple air punches and if I have the space, a good round house kick.  Then, I put my boot right side up, tuck my hair behind my ears, and tell myself, “come on Princess, put on your grown up panties and get on with it.”  And to ensure I am back in control, I put in a load of laundry and once again feel OK.

So, whatever it is that makes you angry at God (or Whomever), throw articles of clothing, cry (even though you are like me and likely wear too much bronzer to REALLY cry), just remember, it’s going to be okay.  Hearts break every second.  People are let down, led on, and rejected hundreds of times a day (on a per person basis I think!!!).  It is what it is my friends.  Acceptance is key to happiness and emotional freedom; get pissed off and sad and resentful....but don’t wallow in it.  The thick heavy blanket that is self pity is so satisfying and so easy to get comfortable in, but it will never be worth it.  Love yourself as much as you can today and little bit more tomorrow, and let other people just live.

Sometimes, as we journey through life we take a wrong turn.  We can pull over and “shoulda woulda coulda” until our eyes are swollen from crying and our fists are sore from pounding the steering wheel, OR we can buckle up and just go with it.  Because at the end of day, the only control I have, is over how I react to things.

Sensibility

Winter 2008

So, when you become single, you get scared and lonely fast because you are not used to it...then you realize one day that you really are happy, despite the ache in your heart.

You are comfortable as you and happy as you and you don’t need that person anymore.

And when that time comes you feel empowered and good and selfless and HAPPY.

But sometimes, that person still keeps you awake at night.

At least that makes sense...

But what about the nights when the person you shouldn’t care about keeps you awake? The person that you aren’t allowed to care about? The person that you want to kiss when you can’t kiss them. The one that you want to talk to and see everyday but you cant....because they aren’t your boyfriend, they are someone else’s...or because they are only your "friend". You lie there and think about them and wonder why they do what they do and what they are going to do next. And you realize that it the bad terrible things they do are the things you look forward to the most; because at least then you can try to hate them.

Its not your ex that you feel this way about, because thinking this way about an ex is OKAY...it’s the forbidden ones that keep us awake at night and make us think all these absurd awful things.

That doesn’t make any sense.

Motivation

October 22, 2008

Everyday we wake up hoping for the best but prepared for the worst.  We feel nervous walking into meetings or starting a new job; we fear rejection from friends and lovers; and we panic at the thought of failure.  Does this make us weak or pathetic?  No.  It makes us experienced.  The world can be harsh some days and the people we rely on can fail us, but it is those of us who “smile like we mean it,” that make it through okay.  Sometimes we fall or crash or cry, but at the end of it all, the strong look for a solution or a learning opportunity.  The people that don’t learn or aim for better are the ones that fall short, the rest of us are doing that magical thing called growing.

I received some news from a friend yesterday that was devastating.  Not only to her, one of the people I care most about in the world, but the unfairness of the situation wrecked my day.  One of the smartest and prettiest and nicest (even though she claims to be a bitch) people I have ever known is getting walked all over by her school because of something she can not control.  During a school activity she was injured and is currently unable to finish her program on time.  You would think that the school could offer some form of compensation or another graduating date because of her situation, but they aren’t.  She loves what she does more then anything and has worked so hard at being exceptional at it.  I mean really, she has used her knowledge of healthcare to cure hangovers in the most unusual way. Anyway, she is getting treated horribly.  It is apparent to everyone that what is going on is not fair, but she has yet to bow her head and admit defeat.  She has taken the necessary steps to fix this.  Kudos to you my dear friend.  Thank you for being a perfect of example of facing a challenge head on and being prepared to do whatever it takes.

I have been through a lot of things in my life for a 24 year old.   I almost lost my mother to cancer, I have over come addictions, I have dealt with divorced parents, and seemingly deranged siblings; but the worst pain I have ever truly experienced is a broken heart.  It has happened a couple times, and I do blame myself for falling in love so hard and so fast, but I can’t help it.  The pain that Bryce caused was horrifying.  I drank, I cried, I pretended it wasn’t real, I rebounded (a lot), and I fell apart.  I lost jobs and friends and my life crumbled into more pieces then I knew it was made of.  This time when it happened, I dealt with it better.  It’s not Jason’s fault or mine.  It is the fact that over the period of a year, people grow and change and sometimes those changes make people incompatible.  Have I been drinking?  Yes, but no more then usual.  Have I cried?  Oh yes…maybe more this time.  Have I rebounded?  No.  Have I learned?  Oh yes.  “Breaking up is hard to do,” (great song) but it happens, and we have to deal with it. Even though I am single now and the nights can be very lonely, I am working towards something great.  I look forward to the day when I am happy with the person that I am, and everyday I get to work on that.  It is empowering to know that you are living your life for yourself.  Not  that I am selfish, I am very far from selfish, but the greatest things I will ever accomplish is the ability to smile because of myself.

So my friends, cheers to you who will stumble today, I commend you on your strength and ability to stand up tall again.