Curiosity killed the cat

I’m not much of a gambler.  I fear losing too much to really play.  But right now I am being forced to make a choice; gamble for something amazing that might destroy me- again, or play it safe with something else that is proving to be less amazing.

I have been approached to have a conversation with X regarding US.  Not life, or school, or people we know, or tattoos we are getting, or my ever changing hair color…but us.  He has had an awakening and needs to talk to me.  Out of curiosity I agreed to his meeting request.  I am scared to tell the truth about what my last few months have held, but more so afraid for my own sanity to lie.  I don’t want to hurt him, so I hope he doesn’t ask.  But I am chomping at the bit to know what he has to say.  I have been anxiously awaiting 9pm since 8am this morning.  That is 12 hours of (mostly) not smoking and lots of imagination.  He says he doesn’t know much, but he knows we are Ross and Rachel and he knows he doesn’t want chaos.  Doesn’t he realize that X + Y(that’s me) always = chaos?  Or it has in the past?

I’m in such a good spot right now.  My relationship with God is stronger than ever, my gratitude is at an all time high and I know EXACTLY what I want in a year, two years, and five years.  And thankfully, none of it is dependant on him or any new letter of the alphabet that enters in to the equation.  The sickeningly sad part of this all is that, X has hurt me so many times in the past, that I am unable to feel it anymore.  I am numb to his verbal punches and emotional kicks. 

A part of me feels it is stupid to meet with X at all (as does my mother), but my compassionate side who knows I will be alright no matter WHAT he says, tells me that every one deserves a chance to be heard.  Who am I to deny someone their voice when they have worked up the courage for a week to apologize for past behavior? 

The other part of the problem is A.  I woke up beside an incredibly handsome man Sunday morning, made him breakfast and coffee, and kissed him good bye…then promptly had a melt down.  A isn’t X.  and I have been trying to tell myself that A is better and that X didn’t mean anything to me…but I have been lying to myself. 

So what now?  Carry on being safe and happy with A?  Or back out completely and let myself FEEL the hurt of losing X before I try to replace him?

It makes me think of that Kenny Rogers song that played the first time I got dumped in high school…”ya gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away, know when to run…”

Well what happens when you just don’t know?

Face Everything And Recover (apparently)

It is official.  X has gone off the deep end.  Between rage and remorse he has totally lost it.

And unfortunately, as a result of my obsession with him, I feel like I am losing it too. 

I have a racing heart, sweaty palms, and a killer head ache.  It could be a result of me trying to hear what he was saying between all his curse words and name calling, or it could be because my fear of loss is kicking in and I am starting to panic.  I feel somewhat, if not fully, responsible for his well being.  I do take most of the credit for his smiles in the past four years so I fear he will never smile again if I abandon him.  He sure seems angry enough.  But wait a second…I am just NOT that important am I!  And he is angry.  His second voicemail of the day was less rage and more logic regarding his anger.  He is hurting, like anyone would, but assures me he doesn’t want a relationship with me he just feels loss.  And I don’t want a relationship with him, so why do I suddenly feel the need to go to him and comfort him?

I think that is funny thing about fears, no matter how hard you pray or how much work you put into removing them, they always find a way to pop up.  The fear of loss that I have is all familiar when it comes to X.  He was such a big part of my life that losing him scares me.  A lot.  I feel obsessed when he calls, like I have to check the voicemail INSTANTLY (because I never answer for fear of confrontation).  I feel controlled by the little light on my blackberry blinking to alert me of his text message.  I save every note, every email, and most texts.  Why?  Why is it so important to me that I let in infiltrate my thinking?  When my mind is quiet is when the danger emerges.  It is why I spend so much time hiding out in the yoga studio.  I find peace there.  In the 38 degree room with 35 other sweaty bodies around me…it is there I find true balance.  I can leave everything behind on my mat when I finish practice.  I am so grateful I discovered that peace.

But when I am not peaceful, and my mind is a riot…that is when it is hard to move, hard to think strait, and hard to function at all.  That only happens with one person.  I think about A more than I think about X, but when X gets in my head, I get scared and that overrules all other thoughts and emotions for me.  So why do we have this obsession?  I was with a girlfriend last night and she confirmed I am not the only one who feels this way about an ex.  I guess if anything, it’s nice to know I am not alone.

Strength in chaos

So in light of all the drama of last night, today got worse.  Way worse.  X decided to interrupt my serenity with a little chaos.  What happened is not important.  No drama really is.  Sure it is important to gab with girlfriends over refresh tea and muffins about the dirty deets of one’s life, but the essence of drama is how we recover from it.

Needless to say, I took things pretty well today.  My girlfriend suggests that I deserve a medal.  I agree.

I truly believe that the reason I was able to stay so strong through the emotional turmoil today is a direct result of how much work I have put in lately.  I feel closer to God than I ever have.  And I have been keeping my side of the street impeccably clean.  But the polish on all that goodness is the beautiful loving circle of people I have around me.  Thankfully I have friends I can text, call, or email anytime.  By the grace of God, I have A, who lets me talk about drama with X and allows me to feel anyway I need too without passing judgment.  And by some miracle, I have the most understanding, loving mother in the world who hears peace in my voice when I tell her about the confusion and reminds me I am worthy and loved.

I think that how we react in tumultuous times is a direct reflection of the type of person that we are.  Sure it would be easy, really easy today, to break down, but why?  What would tears, text messages, and tantrums do besides upset my serenity even more?  The thoughtfulness of our reactions is only as powerful and strong as the love in our hearts.  I wrote previously about ending bad partnerships with love.  I still believe that is the key to getting out alive.  Part with love.  Be resentment free.  And allow the confusion, chaos, hurt, and turmoil, to flow over you like water.  Ask God for help when someone you love is in trouble…because you cannot carry the weight of another’s heart..you can simply ask God to show them love, light, and happiness.

the other side of moving on

Today has been interesting.  At one point I felt I had been kicked in the stomach, and within a half hour, it resides to a dull thudding ache, luckily after an hour, it resonated no pain at all.

I talked to X today.  He asked me if he could come by work tomorrow and pick up somethings of his that I have...house keys (whoops) and a skip rope.  I refused that, as I didnt feel that seeing in the middle of my day was a was choice, but instead offered to drop by his place with his things.  Our conversation progressed into how his return to work was, and his request that as a result of my mushy gushy BBM status, that he be removed from my BBM list, as he didnt want to be kept up to date with my new romance.  I said I understood and admitted that yes I was seeing someone, then I asked the stupidest question of all, "are you?"
"Yes I am"

Everyone I have talked to, and of course that is pretty much everyone I know has determined X was lieing about his current relationship status to get a reaction out of me.
But what if he wasn't?
And why do I care?
Why did it feel like I had been karate chopped in the gut?
Why did my heart drop and my eyes well up for a brief second?

I have moved on but wasn't expecting him too.  Ever to be honest.  With as much humility as I can muster, though he told me three months ago "you're not good enough for me", I consider myself to be quite a catch.  Though I pray for him everyday to find love light and happiness, I wasn't praying for it to be so soon.  I at least wanted more comfort with where A and I are before I found out that X was seeing someone else.

So what is that?  I can move on but he can't?  It is unfair.  Especially because I am SO happy, don't I just truly want that for others?  If I am as good of a person as A says I am, than yes, yes I do want happiness for X.  But perhaps not this soon.  Mourn the loss of fabulous me for a little while longer.  Couldn't he have done that for just a bit?

Why do we do that?  Set double standards?  Why are break ups so messy?  Why do the gut feelings linger long after the heart has moved on?

As I sit here, post hot yoga and orange juice, writing to you by candle light with my new "Kissin Practice" playlist in the background...I feel quite calm.  I am ready for my life and I am excited to be part of the adventure, even if it means taking the occasional shot to the gut every now and then.

These are the feelings

I’m in this very fun place lately.

This, shave my legs-wash my hair- reapply my bronzer- moisturize excessively, place.  It is fun!  I love feeling excited to see A.  I shower and wash my hair every day now…I cover myself in Dream Cream (thanks Lush) every night and morning…and at the expense of my many nicks and scrapes, I shave my legs every other day.  This beginning feeling, where things are so exciting and you get that “punch me in the stomach” I’m excited feeling when you see them…this is the feeling I love.  I wear the cutest panties I have everyday, I plan my outfits for the week around when I am going to see him, and of course (because I wouldn’t be normal if I didn’t), I keep my eye lash curler on hand for 911’s that occur right before see him.

I laid down the rules early on and asked the 3 pertinent questions (as a result of being lied to be Z, I felt I needed to get some things out in the open early on):

1.)    Are you currently married or in a relationship?

2.)    Do you have children older than me?

3.)    Are you lying about your age?

A answered all questions appropriately (no, no, no) and let me know he was laughing so hard he could hardly get back to me.  Apparently my honesty and fear are “cute.” 

A is away for a week and I think it is safe to say I will miss him.  I have already decided to think about quitting smoking (see what I did there…hahahaha) and am going to push myself extra hard to make it to the gym and yoga daily like I used to…just so I am nice and taught for his return.  I feel foolish for missing him already…but I feel like I have been looking for him for a long time.  Finally I am in a place where I realize I deserve wonderful and I am so grateful I got blessed with it.

May all beings be happy....

Do you ever look at your life and wonder why?  Why things are going the way they are?

I have been lately.  Why have I been blessed with such wonderful people in my life?  Why do I have this amazing man in my life who makes me want to be better?  Why do I have the most understanding loving God?  Why are my friends the most beautiful people in the world?  I think it is because I am truly blessed.

I love my life and the people in it so much.  

“A” has shown me how to be grateful for the beauty that my life consists of.  He has led me to believe that life is a fantastic journey and not an arduous painful one.  I have never felt so happy in my life.  I have a wonderfully sarcastic roommate who loves me, even though he says he hates me; I have best friends who make me laugh, do my hair fabulously, and tell me they love me daily; I have a mom who takes care of me when I can’t take care of myself; and I have a man who tells me I am beautiful even when I feel awful.

The best part is, your life is just as fabulous.  Look for the good and you will find the good.  Don’t worry about broken relationships, don’t lose sleep over financial insecurity, don’t look for the next best thing.  Be happy and realize that you are exactly where you are meant to be.  Enjoy your life today because tomorrow, or the next day, may be harder.  God only gives us as much as we can handle.  It is what we do with our challenges that shapes us into the people we are.

Act with love, compassion, and tolerance towards all beings.  I ask God every morning how I can benefit others and I suggest that ALL beings be happy. It isn’t that difficult a request to make, nor it is hard to be the change you want to see in the world.  Be positive, full of love, and practice acceptance…