Learn To Be Still

Have you heard the song by the Eagles “Learn to be Still”?  No? Listen to it.

I feel like I am always chasing the next high.

Is that what life is, chasing highs?

If I’m not spending money, or planning a trip, or working my ass off at something…I am depressed.  So I don’t stop.  I can’t watch TV anymore, I can hardly sit still to read a book, and there is no way I can drive anywhere without a smoke in one hand and a beverage in the other.

So what is it about myself that I can’t just stop and be?  I am not content, or serene.  I am a whirring mass of madness, always looking for something to take me higher.  I don’t believe that neutral is a real feeling; you’re either up or down.  Never balanced.

I am constantly looking for new ways to be entertained, or new things to put in my calendar.  Kick boxing, dates with friends from high school, sober dances, fancy dinners, mini vacations, day trips to Edmonton…anything I can do to fill my time and entertain me, makes me happy.  I can’t have downtime.  I can’t relax or sit still, thus meditating is unheard of for me.  I go to bed when I have nothing to do, because being awake and bored is the ultimate depressor for me.

I love a man who loves to watch TV.  Or sit and play on the computer.  Or engage in video game warfare for hours at a time.  HOW DOES HE DO IT!?  It seems so foreign to me that a person could sit still for that length of time and not be on the go.  Going to a movie theatre is painful for me because I have no choice but to sit and watch.  At home when we watch TV, I am cooking, cleaning, painting my nails, or doing yoga.  All while following the show and laughing when appropriate. 

How do you do it?  All you normal people out there – how do you sit and relax and not go absolutely stir crazy within seconds?  How do you not have a mental freak out when it is suggested that you “be still.”  How is not the end of the world when someone cancels plans and you are left with no other option than TV?

Perhaps, and likely, I am just nuts.  But probably, I’ll just keep on wandering because I “how do I get out of here, where do I fit in?”

57

The title of this blog refers to my emotional intelligence.  57 / 100.  Which is pretty shitty.
It inspired me to write.

I’m confused. 

I’ve got it really good.

Like really good.  Life in sobriety when working a program is amazing (there goes my anonymity).

But it’s not enough.

I want more.

Work is fantastic, but I want more challenge.

My family loves me, but I want more attention.

My boyfriend is amazing, but I want more from him.

The only thing I seem to be really satisfied with are my amazing, wonderful, gorgeous, caring girlfriends.  But even that being said, I am rekindling some old friendships to see what they can turn into.

What is wrong with me?

A friend told me last night “follow your heart, not your ego – it gets in the way of what we truly want.”  And I love that.  Like, going to get it tattooed on the back of my hand I love it so much (not really).

I just don’t understand WHY I always want more.  Am I that entitled that I feel I deserve more?  Am I blind to the blessing’s in my life so I don’t see them?

Or am I just ignorant to God’s grace and love, and I turn my back on it to look for the next high?

I pick fights, cause chaos, and over react, JUST for the reaction it gets.  I make a big deal out of little things – like not getting flowers – because it makes me feel important to have feelings.  Just the other day, I cried over something not worth tears because I thought it would make me more in control of the situation…it didn’t.    I spend money on things I don’t need (though I am getting better) because it makes me feel better temporarily.

I guess this means I have a low EQ because I am attention seeking.  “People with low EQ often have low self esteem, poor self confidence, and thus feels insecure.” - http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/attent.htm  Oh lovely, I’m a freak.  An emotionally retarded, insecure, freak.

But guess what?  I am okay with it.  I pray and do the things suggested and things are turning out pretty good.  Great actually.  It is too bad that my glasses are tinted so dark that I can’t see that, but I have a great deal of faith that I will get there.  And besides, what is wrong with wanting MORE?

If you are interested in the test, it can be found at http://www.queendom.com/.