I have been in this state of flux lately. Flux. Change. Variation. Whatever you want to call it, change is in the air. Maybe it is the new moon or maybe it is just my 28 (almost 29) year old brain finally breaking through into adulthood.
I realize shift happens. I love that by the way, "Shift happens." It is clever, without being crude. Anyway. As a human and especially as a yoga teacher, I am aware to the inth degree that the world around me and the world in me, will always be shifting. In my practice it is the variation in how my hips open day to day, how my balance is on point one day and off the next, and how some days I am eager to be up at 5am to twist into Cirque like poses, and other days I can't imagine crawling out of my cat covered bed. In my life the shift is different though. It isn't one I am comfortable with.
I am yo-yoing between wanting to be in a relationship and adamantly holding on to my single woman independence. After dating H for a bit and dissolving that partnership because of an honesty issue on his end, I am struggling to keep my intentions clear and concise. There are things in my life that are very clear today: I want to be insanely successful at EMCO, I want to inspire people when I teach, I want to be the best daughter, I want my friends to know I love them (especially Little Bird, who I don't tell enough), I want to spend every summer evening sitting on the patio reading books with my cats...those things make sense to me, they always have. But then the boy stuff creeps into my brain. Like a heavy rain that comes out of nowhere in the middle of the night and wakes you up because it is beating so hard on the window.
I have always been the school girl crush kind of person. I will like you intently from afar but when you get to close I will push you away because God forbid if you like me and then hurt me. It's completely fear based. And when there is fear, there is darkness, and when there is darkness, there is no light. So I fight the darkness by joining online dating, going out on awkward dates, and encouraging friends to set me up with "this nice guy from work" they speak so highly of. I put in a valiant effort into finding the One, but always have an impending sense of doom in my head.
The truth is, I have never ever had butterflies like the ones that I got around X; I have never been inspired by someone as intently I was by B; I have never laughed as hard as I did with C. These men in my life, marked with insignificant individual letters in my blog, have changed me. They have set the bar so high that I question, with logic not fear, if that bar will ever be met.
I was with H for a month when we split, we continued the back and forth every couple of weeks thing,. Finally I pulled the plug Saturday. I took a really hard look at myself and my behavior and realized I wasn't proud of it. It wasn't really me- it was fear and self pity and insecurity taking on a whole new form. Instead of being honest with myself about what I wanted, I hid inside a couple hours a week composed of polite smiles, light laughter, and the kind of company that only a man can give. If I am being presumptuous, we have all done it. Used someone (with or without their knowing) for our own benefit. It doesn't make it right, but I am also not smashing my head against the wall because of it. The self awareness it took to step back and be grateful for him and ashamed at the same time required a lot of reflection and courage.
What scares me about this state of flux is my inability to stay committed to a decision. I ended things with H, and then went back 3 times. And then pulled the plug again. I had that partnership and then I ended it. I wave this flag of independence while at the same time walking around with my best smile on just in case Mr. Right (Now) walks by. Add on the fact that I have girlfriends pushing relationships at me - revisit old ones, pursue this new one, stay with H - and my brain starts to hurt. It is no wonder that I come home after a 14 hour work day and ignore my phone to watch Pretty Little Liars on Netflix.
The Blue Jays have a 9 game home streak in September over my birthday (Red Sox, Yankees, and KC) and the romantic side of me wants to meet Mr. Baseball and go on my perfect trip with him. The realistic (scared) side of me is already looking at single seats in really good rows behind first base.
So what is it...the flux or the reason for the flux that scares me more? Truthfully, the thought of losing everything I have created alone in order to be with someone terrifies me, but so does the thought of watching baseball alone with my cats at 50.
Every time I go to a class I learn something new. A cue, a pose, a song...I am always open to this newness that happens in the studio. My whole body arches with the excitement of being open to new possibility when I am breathing and moving. I know what to expect from yoga - this feeling of completeness afterwards. The dating thing is different. I don't know what to expect, I don't know if I am going to like the end result. I think that is where the fear comes from, the unknown.
So, at 11:30 on a Wednesday I am setting my alarm to get to my 6am class, and hey, maybe Mr. Right-Baseball-Bendy, will be there too.
