I fell in love with someone completely off limits. I don't need to tell you how sensational he is because I wouldn't have fallen so hard for the forbidden if he wasn't. His brain challenges me, his kindness melts my heart, his patience rides the waves of my emotional inconsistency, his pure sexiness rivals anything I have ever seen. We haven't crossed the physical line...and we swear we won't, but the emotional side of things is enough to have created a bond that left me a crying mess in my car when it was broken.
I knew this was coming, my Twin warned me, my Moral Compass warned me, my Rock warned me, I warned me! But watching the train come is one thing, being hit by the train hurts a hell of a lot more than you expect it to. You think I would have been smart enough to move out of the way, but I stood there watching all the warning signs and told myself "maybe it won't hurt. Maybe it won't happen to me. Maybe I'll be the strong one here." Newsflash, I wasn't. I was left walking a sidewalk unable to see my feet because my eyes were so blurred with tears and hands so shaky I couldn't unlock my car. He drove home with a lie on his tongue about where he had been.
Sometimes I ask for the truth when I don't want to hear it at all. I throw down a challenge..."hurt me, I dare you, I'll be okay, I'll show you"is what I am really saying when I ask for the truth, but the answer is always the same...my wet eyes, short sentences, and one armed hugs good bye.
I asked for the truth tonight, I asked to know if he was okay with "this". He didn't say no, he just said he needed to create a boundary before we crossed it. I saw the end right there, before we even got a chance to begin. I shut down (typical Kristen), nodded, said I was fine when he asked, patted him on the back, agreed to "see ya later!" in the most cheerful non-broken voice I could muster, and spun on my heel to leave.
So, goodbye my lover. You changed my life and brought so much love into my world. I let my walls down and you walked over them into my heart, only to leave me hollow and more hurt than I ever expected to be. I know you didn't plan this, you're too good to have planned this - I don't blame you. I've learned that when you see the end before things begin, you expect hurt and sorrow...but the expectation is never as awful as the shut down, walk away feeling that the actual end creates.
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