57

The title of this blog refers to my emotional intelligence.  57 / 100.  Which is pretty shitty.
It inspired me to write.

I’m confused. 

I’ve got it really good.

Like really good.  Life in sobriety when working a program is amazing (there goes my anonymity).

But it’s not enough.

I want more.

Work is fantastic, but I want more challenge.

My family loves me, but I want more attention.

My boyfriend is amazing, but I want more from him.

The only thing I seem to be really satisfied with are my amazing, wonderful, gorgeous, caring girlfriends.  But even that being said, I am rekindling some old friendships to see what they can turn into.

What is wrong with me?

A friend told me last night “follow your heart, not your ego – it gets in the way of what we truly want.”  And I love that.  Like, going to get it tattooed on the back of my hand I love it so much (not really).

I just don’t understand WHY I always want more.  Am I that entitled that I feel I deserve more?  Am I blind to the blessing’s in my life so I don’t see them?

Or am I just ignorant to God’s grace and love, and I turn my back on it to look for the next high?

I pick fights, cause chaos, and over react, JUST for the reaction it gets.  I make a big deal out of little things – like not getting flowers – because it makes me feel important to have feelings.  Just the other day, I cried over something not worth tears because I thought it would make me more in control of the situation…it didn’t.    I spend money on things I don’t need (though I am getting better) because it makes me feel better temporarily.

I guess this means I have a low EQ because I am attention seeking.  “People with low EQ often have low self esteem, poor self confidence, and thus feels insecure.” - http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/attent.htm  Oh lovely, I’m a freak.  An emotionally retarded, insecure, freak.

But guess what?  I am okay with it.  I pray and do the things suggested and things are turning out pretty good.  Great actually.  It is too bad that my glasses are tinted so dark that I can’t see that, but I have a great deal of faith that I will get there.  And besides, what is wrong with wanting MORE?

If you are interested in the test, it can be found at http://www.queendom.com/.