Celebrate endings - for they precede new beginnings

So, I broke up with X last night.

It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  He didn’t believe me when I said that, but my heart was breaking even saying the words.

I stuck to my guns, remained calm, and didn’t let his lashing out throw me off.  I told him I loved him, but that I couldn’t be with someone who I didn’t make happy, and that at the end of the day, he needed to find that for himself.

He told me he felt like he was “settling” with me.  OUCH.  Big sting.  I sat there open mouthed for about 30 seconds and didn’t know what to say.  I thought I treated him pretty well...

I have a feeling of relief today though.  A feeling that God is looking out for me, things will be okay, and I did the right thing.  I was so tired with X.  I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time, so afraid to upset him.  I was exhausted from trying to say and do the right thing to make him love me, even though I could see in his eyes, he just didn’t anymore.

I know my whole life is “one day at a time”, but I feel excited for the future, and I don’t see it involving X.  I am okay with that.  I have acceptance around the fact that I spent 5 years of my life trying to make it work and it failed.  Key word there, “it.”  I am reminded that I didn’t fail.  That I am good enough.  That I tried.  And that sometimes, love just isn’t enough.

I still believe in that fairy tale – happy ending kind of love.  Even though X told me I was delusional for thinking that was real.  I know there is someone out there for me that I won’t have to try so hard for, change for, and be afraid of.  I am not expecting that kind of love to come to me tomorrow, but soon would be good!  I am at a good place in my life, and yes, that may change tomorrow, and I may cry myself to sleep next week.  But I have been told so much lately that I amazing, and that I deserve more.  I am ready for more.  And yes, at little bit anxious!

I don’t feel resentful at X for lashing out at me.  I believe that was his ego speaking and that he was perhaps a little hurt that I was leaving him.  In the past he has always left me, so I took control, and I am sure that scared him.  Maybe one day X will make amends to me, but I don’t expect that, and I am okay with not hearing the words “I’m sorry” from his mouth ever again.  Our relationship was so based on apologies and false promises that to hear it again will just be meaningless.

I truly want the best for X.  Unfortunately, and yes this breaks my heart, I wasn’t the best for him.  I tried to be.  I changed everything about myself – most of worked out for the best, but it still wasn’t enough.  I pray that he finds peace with himself and never feels like he has to settle again.

Now, I look forward to tomorrow with gratitude knowing that the people, who truly love me and God, are on my side.  I am blessed that through prayer, I was able to find the courage to change what I could.

And if you are reading this, and maybe feeling a bit sad for me…I love your empathy, but I am okay!

xo