LF: answers, direction, and the easy way

I have written this blog 7 times and have no success creating any form of reasonable thought. I have so much whirring through my head: X, abuse victimology, the inner voice, who I am, what I want, how I process anger, my relationship with God...all that stuff ties together really nicely but it would make for much too long of an entry. So, as always, lets start with what is right in front of me.

Fear (which wasn't on the list, but at this very second seems most important).

I'm afraid I am going to end up with X.
I'm afraid my lack of relationship with God is going to send me back drinking.
I'm afraid that I will become a statistic of an abused woman, turned to alcohol to cope, who stays with her abuser until ultimately ending her life.
I'm afraid that I will die alone, or worse, with someone who doesn't love me.
I'm afraid that when I feel angry I am unable to process it and my first thought is, "I'm scared. Can't drink. Cut?"
I'm afraid that my inner voice will never shut up long enough for me to figure out who I really am and focus on the 5 senses all around me.
I'm afraid I won't end up with X.

I'm scared absolutely shitless because I have no idea what I want from anyone.

I tell my sponsees, friends, and family members to trust their gut and go with instinct, but my instincts are seeming to cause problems. To me this identifies the biggest problem in my life, my lack of God, or more specifically lack of relationship with God.

So if I am going to focus on what is right in front of me, what I can take action on right now, it is not obsessing about X's suggestion that "maybe" we have lunch this weekend, or why the hot chiropractor I went out with hasn't called, or what I'm going to do about the extra few inches I want to lose, or how I am going to spend all the money that I don't make...it is God. My friend always says, "where is God in this?"

I know God can and will if He is sought, so I'd better start seeking again.

Stay tuned... I think these next few days are gonna be heavy.