I’m being faced with something called reality. It’s not pleasant, nor is it easy to accept. I don’t like it and I want to change it. I am unhappy because I can’t control it and it’s not my way. I don’t want to feel it or learn from it or become better because of it. I want the pain to be over and I want things my way.
I think I must have been cuddled a lot as a child and told I was loved quite frequently (Mom, you read this, am I right?) because when I don’t have those things in my life, I feel like I am wandering aimlessly. I am dependant on relationships to keep me afloat because I am so unsure of who I am on my own. I’ve led my life so I am masterfully intertwined with another person, so that I don’t have to look at myself or stand on my own two feet. Codependent? Yup. I use people as a safety net. Sometimes I wonder what would happen to me if I didn’t have the incredibly loving and supportive mother I have. Or if all the strong women I have latched onto were to suddenly pull away….
I may be hurting now because my heart is broken, but at least I have this fantastic foundation of friends who I can lean on anytime. I can complain about the same stuff every week, send the same heartfelt emails, and come upon the same solution…and these rock solid, totally sane friends of mine, STILL love me. Then there is mother I so casually mentioned previously. How lucky am I that I have someone who I can call and hang up on and she still answers the phone the next time I need her. She’s honest, but good at biting her tongue; she’s giving, but won’t let me walk all over her; and she is compassionate without being too emo. Am I blessed? As rotten as I can be, and as ungrateful as I can seem…absolutely I am.
I am learning to Let Go, and to Let God (for my spiritual friends). I’m in a situation where someone has decided to leave me for good, and guess what? I have to let them. There are some things that are far beyond my control. Even though I have the strength to fight for them, and the hope that things will change (do they ever?) I have to accept the cold, harsh truth…the person that I don’t think I can live without, can live without me.
At the end of the day though, I’ve lived with myself for 24 years, and I only had him around for 3; in the long run, I know I am going to be okay and I know I am going to bounce back (even if it means leaning against a good friend or a great mother) because I have friends that haven’t left me, and those are the relationships that count.. Even on the days when I'm bitching and whining and crying, I have the BEST friends in the world to restrain me from sending that text and to help me drown my sorrows in blizzards and diet pepsi. So thank you D.B, J.B, S.C, and Mumsie, for being patient enough to love a batshit crazy girl like me. And future husband, if you are reading this, I am so sorry I am broken and twisted…but I have great legs...
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