It's been a while since I blogged.
I have been in this incredibly lovey bubbly pink place called Happy.
It is glorious, have you been?
Life is amazing.
That is a lie, life is confusing.
It's 8:30 on a Saturday night and I spent the day prepping for tonight, but I just ran 5 miles and now I am blogging. So yes, life is confusing.
I've put in a lot of work, and at the same time, none at all to be happy. I have learned that letting go really is key to acceptance and thus happiness. I have realized that the beautiful people in my life love me and that I am worth something to them. I have grown in to the person that I always wanted to be.
But tonight, I am struggling. Hence the blogging, running, and chain smoking. I almost went to the Yardhouse tonight. For those of you who really know me, you know what that means and how bad that is. I wanted to feel numb, then I realized I already did. So I let God lead me safely home to my treadmill and my MacBook Pro. Big shout out to the man in the sky!
I don't know where to start with my feelings because it has been so long since I blogged that I am sure everyone except Steph will be lost if I start at now. But I am selfish, and my fingers are cold, thus I shall start at tonight.
I have spent a great deal of energy lately, not forced energy, just energy, showing my partner that I love him, respect him, and cherish him very much. I tell him I love him every day. I rub his feet. I stretch him out. I make him fancy nachos, I schedule "I love you - Lasagna" nights, just so he knows how much I care. I was told tonight that I don't appreciate him and that nothing he does is good enough. Okay fine, to be honest, and before you say, "well he is an ass!!", I did get a little pissed on Valentine's Day because I had to wait until 10pm to get my card, and I did blame him for me waking up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. So admittedly, I am not perfect.
I was told tonight via text that there was a problem and that we would talk about it later, but we didn't. Which is mostly my fault as I am a terrible face to face communicator and I usually just shut down.
Tonight I really tried though!
I dressed cute, then some stranger rolled down their window and whistled, which in turn got my outfit called "skanky."
I took him to the Keg, but there was an hour wait at two of them.
I didn't probe, I didn't pester, and I didn't nag! I didn't even cry!
It was suggested strongly that I spend the night at my house after dinner was a bust and tensions were running high, so I calmly left (didn't even slam the door), got in my car, and safely drove home.
I haven't texted, called, or left any mildly physco letters under his door.
So, here I am blogging kind of lonely, questioning what is next, and still smoking.
My partner is a wonderful even tempered man who I love beyond words, who hasn't expressed anything but love for months, but perhaps he is right...perhaps I don't show my appreciation enough, maybe I am still angry despite all the work I have put in, or maybe, and I pray I am wrong it is just not meant to be.
I guess it is time to practice what I preached at the beginning of this blog - Let Go. Tonight I shall enjoy my alone time, get some sleep, love my cats, and remember that no matter what happens at the end of the day, there is still tomorrow.
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