Curiosity killed the cat

I’m not much of a gambler.  I fear losing too much to really play.  But right now I am being forced to make a choice; gamble for something amazing that might destroy me- again, or play it safe with something else that is proving to be less amazing.

I have been approached to have a conversation with X regarding US.  Not life, or school, or people we know, or tattoos we are getting, or my ever changing hair color…but us.  He has had an awakening and needs to talk to me.  Out of curiosity I agreed to his meeting request.  I am scared to tell the truth about what my last few months have held, but more so afraid for my own sanity to lie.  I don’t want to hurt him, so I hope he doesn’t ask.  But I am chomping at the bit to know what he has to say.  I have been anxiously awaiting 9pm since 8am this morning.  That is 12 hours of (mostly) not smoking and lots of imagination.  He says he doesn’t know much, but he knows we are Ross and Rachel and he knows he doesn’t want chaos.  Doesn’t he realize that X + Y(that’s me) always = chaos?  Or it has in the past?

I’m in such a good spot right now.  My relationship with God is stronger than ever, my gratitude is at an all time high and I know EXACTLY what I want in a year, two years, and five years.  And thankfully, none of it is dependant on him or any new letter of the alphabet that enters in to the equation.  The sickeningly sad part of this all is that, X has hurt me so many times in the past, that I am unable to feel it anymore.  I am numb to his verbal punches and emotional kicks. 

A part of me feels it is stupid to meet with X at all (as does my mother), but my compassionate side who knows I will be alright no matter WHAT he says, tells me that every one deserves a chance to be heard.  Who am I to deny someone their voice when they have worked up the courage for a week to apologize for past behavior? 

The other part of the problem is A.  I woke up beside an incredibly handsome man Sunday morning, made him breakfast and coffee, and kissed him good bye…then promptly had a melt down.  A isn’t X.  and I have been trying to tell myself that A is better and that X didn’t mean anything to me…but I have been lying to myself. 

So what now?  Carry on being safe and happy with A?  Or back out completely and let myself FEEL the hurt of losing X before I try to replace him?

It makes me think of that Kenny Rogers song that played the first time I got dumped in high school…”ya gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away, know when to run…”

Well what happens when you just don’t know?