He was obviously so excited that you texted him that he fainted.

The physical feeling of heart ache doesn't just come after the end of a 5 year relationship.  It is does not just stem from infidelity or betrayal.  Heartache, portrays itself in so many forms - weak knees, stomach stone, shaking hands, watery eyes, trembling bottom lips, and of course, the feeling that your chest is simply going to crack in half and you are certain it will keep cracking until the pieces are so small they are nowhere to be found and you will be left without a heart...just hair and skin and nails.

This blog entry is not about B, or X, or A, or C, or any of the letters in my life.  It is about truth.  The truth that sometimes we fall head over heels for a man the moment we lay eyes on him, and then we spend 5 years telling ourselves that love is enough.  The reality that sometimes love comes at us slowly and we realize we cannot possibly date anyone besides him even though he chews too loudly and eats more desserts than any person should.

I don't know what is going on with B.  I compare him to my cat...sometimes he wants to cuddle and sometimes he pees on the couch.  If I am being honest, I don't really care what is going on with B because no level of care (or obsession) is going to change the reality of things.  I have no control over people, places, and things.  No matter how late I stay up, how many times I reset my phone thinking "his text must have gotten lost in cyber space", or how often he calls me to talk about things that he "can't trust anyone else with," it doesn't change the facts behind things.

The fact that my school girl crush is a just a crush and that there are several millions of spectacular people in the world that I undoubtedly would fall in love with the moment I met them.  Infatuation is a scary, beautiful, overwhelming thing.  Roll with it.  Be enamored.  Be inspired.  Be in awe of this amazing human you met.  Kiss.  Touch.  Fall asleep.  Talk.  Laugh.  Be okay having a crush.  Then stop walking down the isle with him, giving birth to your two perfect kids, divorcing him and keeping the dog, and re marrying someone more open/sexy/rich.  Just stop.  Have a crush and when it stops making you feel alive and it starts weighing you down, stop.  Move on.  Meet some guy in an elevator or at Starbucks or go to the same Subway everyday for lunch hoping to catch a glimpse of the latest man of your dreams.

When it is meant to be, it will be.  The Universe won't play games with your heart if you don't play games with fate.  I know when I get to the crazy point, I lose faith in the Universe to know what it best for me and I begin to try and control all of the outcomes.  I manipulate people into staying in very unhappy relationships.  I lie, cheat, and steal to get what I want, and I stop trusting the process.  Who wants forced anyway?  We all want to hunt a little bit, but are you REALLY willing to change your eating habits, your vocabulary, what you do at night, and how many times a week you finish an entire season on Netflix with the hope that you can catch your prey - I mean meet the man of your dreams?

Stop pretending.  Take things as they come.

X is getting married.

The man who stopped my heart in an elevator in Bow Valley Square in 2007 is getting married.  X, who I spent over five years trying to fix, control, sober up, and manage, has met someone who doesn't need him to change, and he doesn't need her to either.  When I first found out, my stomach dropped and I looked in the mirror wondering what she has that I don't.   Then I realized it has nothing to do with me.  It never does.  I am just so selfish that I think about myself first.  The Universe never intended for X and I to work out.  I stalked my prey (both metaphorically and literally) until I got what I wanted - him.  I sat provocatively on his desk at the ripe young age of 20 and lured him into my life, charming him with my energy and keeping him around with my chaos and manipulation.  X, if you ever see this, I am sorry!

Stop playing God.  Stop thinking that every step you take is within your control.  The people you meet, the wondrous, the cruel, the loving, the harsh...they all offer you guidance to your destiny.

"One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree.  'Which road do I take?' she asked. 'Where do you want to go?' Was his response. 'I don't know.' Alice answered. 'Then,' said the cat, 'it doesn't matter'."

So darling, it doesn't matter which path you take, you may not truly know what you want.  You certainly don't know what is best for you.  Let the Universe guide you as you trudge the road TO happy destiny.  Be you, in this moment.  Just for tonight, for today, for the week...be you.  Wear the right size jeans, don't lie about your age, have a crush, and be honest, "I pout when I don't get my way!"

Do you know what is harder than lying to someone else?  Lying to yourself. Telling yourself you aren't hurt, you aren't ashamed, you aren't horrified...telling yourself that you are okay.
Lying to yourself until you begin to believe it.
And then one day, the lie crumbles and everything around you falls apart because it is all based around that lie.  The story you created to protect yourself, heal yourself, convince yourself that you were okay.
So, don't be okay.
Be sad.
Be remorseful.
Be broken.
Don't just be okay.
Be truthful.
Nothing will shatter the truth.

Don't build your life based on lies.  Love yourself now and this moment like it is your last one.  Fall in love 37 times a day with 37 different people, places, and things, but don't expect them all to love you back, and God forbid, don't try to make them love you back.