Now.

Chances in life are just that, chances. They don't come around everyday, or once a week, or even more than once a life time.  You have one shot...take it.  To be really truly happy you need to always be prepared for major changes in your life.

Never get to comfortable.  Don't get used to saying no and staying safe.  Take the God given gift of opportunity- don't think, don't ask for advice: act.

I have learned some things lately:

1.)  Never remain in a wrong or damaging partnership.  Part with love, peace, and understanding.  Be prepared to move away from the relationship so you can move on with your life...

2.)  Your true spiritual self comes only when you love yourself and love others.  Act with love.  

3.)  Be prepared to fall in love at any time.  Be prepared to fall out of love at anytime.  When the moment comes, and suddenly, "I don't you anymore" becomes the harsh truth, say good bye.

I think we have given the divine gift of life so we can live it fully.  Those of us who sit by and watch life go by are wasting the precious opportunity that we have been given to LIVE.  Accept the gift of life and smile.  Laugh. Dance. Love.

Sing you a lullaby

Happy Halloween!
That is all I have to say about that...
I have had an incredible couple of weeks, not one that many would consider the right kind of incredible but I have been taught so much by so many that are so much wiser than I.
I have been shown that real honest truthful happiness comes from within.
I have been told that I AM worth it and that I AM impressive.
I have been reminded that I am loved...no matter how much a broken heart can ache.

I am so blessed to have come into contact with an incredible person....A...lately.  We converse back and forth on this raw, thriving, vivacious level that I have yet to experience with anyone and trust it to be real.  I feel more alive than I have in a long time because this person is allowing me to see me for what I am.  A ask's the right questions and provides the right answers to give me the chance to unlock the secrets of myself that I have so long longed for.  I feel this peace inside me and I know I have a perma grin on my face.  But not because of A, but as a result of what A has done for me.
To find a person, other than my mom and my three best friends, who is able to make me smile, laugh, and tell horrible jokes, is amazing to me.  I never thought I was capable of connecting with someone on such a deep level after knowing them so briefly.  I feel that I have met my inspiration.  A person that makes me want to do a little better everyday because of what they are capable of.  A person who only after knowing me a little bit, wants to hear more and wants to understand my life.
As I sit here at 4am, I find sleep to be a dream because my mind is whirring with thoughts of A, and of course...X.  I feel at ease with where I am at with X.  I feel as though I have had enough of the distraction from my life that he has so long been.  I am a selfish person, but I am also wise.  Wise enough to know that sometimes, I need to come first.  And first right now is ME.  My happiness, my peace, my understanding of myself...
What I am getting at is this...seize the moments that leave you wondering why, and don't wonder why, just accept the moments.  These little moments and times of awe are the ones that make up a lifetime of happiness and joy.  Be prepared, be willing, to accept people, places and things as they come into your life, because they will be gone in a second. Don't think, just act.  Act with love and compassion and move forward, because if you aren't moving forward with love in your heart and ease in your mind, you are sitting still losing all your chances.

a little X intervention

“If he’s foolish enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him go”

My best friend sent me that quote the other day and it got me thinking…maybe I AM good enough.  When X left, he said, “You’re just not good enough for me.”  He has since revoked the statement, but it still stings.  To be told you aren’t good enough, is like not getting that job, or  not making the team…it is just an unfortunate feeling.  It plays with your pride, and messes with your ego.  I have had this inferiority complex the past few weeks.  On some days it is in full swing and I cant see past the bad skin, flat hair, and thunder thighs into the goodness that is ME.  On other days, I am so PROUD to be who I am and so grateful for all the gifts that God has given me.

I ask Him every morning to direct my thinking and to help me help others.  I have a forever prayer list, and I pray for those people everyday with the hope that TODAY they will see the light of His love.  But sometimes I wonder, is Anyone listening?  My thinking can get so convoluted with negativity and my actions can so easily be impulsive reactions that it makes me wonder if I am truly doing the next RIGHT thing, or if I am doing MY thing. 

I think back to that quote Krissy sent me Monday a lot and I find I can apply it to many circumstances in my life, but mostly with my struggles of letting go.  I don’t like to let go; one of my biggest fears is losing people.  Though, I am SURE someone would tell me that is selfish.  I hold on to people.  I charm, smile, laugh, and REFUSE to let go of people I love because the thought of them being happy without me, hurts me.  I want to be good enough for someone.  I want to be the reason that someone smiles first thing in the morning and person that someone can go to when they need to smile again.  But, who am I to play God?

So, when I am lost and feeling purposeless, I think about that quote, “… be smart enough to let him go.”  Nothing happens in God’s world by accident….I have to remember I am not the Master, and I have to just Live and Let Live…as best as I can…just for today.

Cracks

My mom texted me once and said, “The path to perfection is paved with cracks.” 

Lately I feel like I have covered enough cracks and am waiting for that perfection to kick in.  I know we aim for progress not perfection, but a daily dose of “ah- this is perfect” would be nice.  Even a weekly dose.  I have been battling a lot lately- issues with my best friend, new guy problems, loss, and the obsession is back in full force.

I feel resentful at myself for not being “ok” at 16 months; I feel like I am failing myself and others when I struggle.  Perhaps my standards are too high, perhaps I am right where I am meant to me, but either way…I am not happy with where I am.  I think lack of happiness is a key indicator that something needs to change.  But what?  I am walking the walk and talking the talk; I carry the message, help others, and talk to people about where I am at, but I can’t seem to find anyone who I can really connect to- at least enough to share these deep fears and resentments that I struggling with.  The one person who I believe would understand me because he is so comfortable in his own state of misery and confusion, is X, and I just cannot bring myself to reach out to him.  Though, in a serious state of weakness Saturday I called him.  Thankfully, it was late, he didn't answer, and I didn’t leave some pathetic voicemail.  But still, I made the call, which is bad enough. 

I think what it is that gets in the way of me reaching out to other people and really trusting them is my ego and my pride.  I don’t think that anyone will accept struggling me and I don’t think that anyone will understand where I am at.  When did I become so important! 

 

“Greatness is not found in possessions, power, position, or prestige. It is discovered in goodness,

humility, service, and character”

 

I have come to realize in the past couple hours that perfection isn’t attainable for me, and that is not a bad thing.  I will do my best every day, but in the mean time, I will tip toe over the cracks, smile through the journey, and just follow the light at the end of the tunnel.  It is easy to be lively when things are bright, but harder to do so when things are dark…acceptance is key, and I must never EVER forget, to “Live and Let Live.”

Goodbyes are so unsettling

I’m no good at goodbyes.  For the longest time I thought I only struggled with them when someone pulled away from me, but last night I realized that it is just as hard when it is my choice.

I said good bye to someone who has become very important to me last night.  I’ve got my fair share of people telling me it is foolish, but I also have my supporters.  I am struggling with my decision today.  I am unsure of my logic behind the decision to leave Z.  I have all these reasons as to why I made the right choice, but my fear of being alone is hauling me backwards…into his arms and into his life.  How is it fair to be one foot in with someone?  I’ve always believed that when it is RIGHT you know it, I just wasn’t sure.  There were too many trust issues, too many unanswerable questions, and of course, the intense lingering feelings I have for the ex.

But I was happy.  Really happy.  I think I still am?  I am trying to be, but it is hard.  I feel an immense loss today.  The feelings of remorse and guilt I have for saying goodbye, are almost enough to bring me back.  Why is that?  Do I fear being alone so much that I stay with people I am uncertain about?  It would explain my years of running back to X so many times.

I like to think I am healthier than that now.  I like to think that I can handle my life and manage my feelings.  I really truly believe that those who suggested I take a little time for myself, were right all along.  I feel like I brought old habits and old problems into a new relationship.  Not only was that unfair to Z, it was unfair to any chance I had at being truly happy.

They say that loneliness is a self inflicted pain, and I fear I have just pricked myself with the pin of despair.  I am afraid to be lonely.  Not afraid to be alone really, just I hate being lonely, and sometimes that awful feeling cant be cured at a night club, with friends, or even in the rooms.  So, I guess I will eat my blueberries for now and remember that I feel okay for now, and ill worry about tomorrow, or the changing feelings when they come.  If you need me this weekend, I will be hiding out in the gym and the yoga studio…covering my feelings with lunges and (attempting) the perfect Dancer’s Pose.

Disappointment is a self inflicted pain

Disappointment is a funny thing.  It starts with an expectation and ends with a realization that you created the chaos in your head.

I am feeling a little off kilter today so I thought I would share it with you guys.  My voice is still perky, my hugs are still snug, and my smile is still infectious…but I am feeling bit, well, like my old self.  I have this insecure neurotic thought pattern, I am obsessively checking my phone, and I am beyond emotionally drained to the point where I took a nap on a yoga mat.  

I know a little bit about being a good person and what it takes to be happy, but I am also the master at not following my own rules.  I get up on my soapbox and preach my words of wisdom to my friends and family, but I struggle at listening to myself and forcing myself to understand.

I built up this grand event in my head last night and was let down when it didn’t come to fruition.  I blamed the other party involved for my sudden lack of serenity, when really, as I mentioned, it is my expectation that leads to my decreased happiness.

I think the key to understanding our feelings is that realization that we base our feelings today on our experiences yesterday.  I know the biggest reason I am feeling let down and unloved today is because it is how I used to feel regularly.  When someone begins to act in a way that others have before, I begin to feel the way I did before.  Does that make sense? 

There is no sudden answer or logical reason behind my resentment today.  It is simply what it is.  My reasoning may be childish or immature, but realistically speaking, it stems from my fears; my fear of not being good enough, not being loved, and of people always leaving.  You can call me needy, insecure, or emotionally unavailable- I wont argue with that, but don’t forget that I am honest, vulnerable, and compassionate.  I feel love with every ounce of my being and when I am hurt, it hurts just as deep.

I feel like every person deserves a lot of respect and a little bit of true love in their lives.  And for all you men out there wondering what you did wrong…if you have enough time to take a leak during the day, you have enough time to send a text!

So, I will go back to watching my blackberry not light up with the promise of a text message of God forbid a phone call and Ill pray that one day Ill take my own advice and not be such a needy little girl.

Reset

My little brother Scott said one day over dinner, “the great thing about life, is you can start over anytime you want.” (or something very similar).

Where did this tall handsome 17 year old get such wisdom- not from me that is for sure!

But how true it is.  No matter low we have fallen on our spiritual totem pole, there is always that reset button we can hit.  No, it is not the EASY button but the emotional restart that we as humans are capable of choosing is a beautiful thing.  Days can be long, arduous, troubling things and when we live in that….chaos, we lose track with our true being, but when we step back, look at the big picture, and make the choice to turn it over and start again- we are gifted with a fresh start.

Easy enough sounding right?  For me I can reset the day with a great cup of coffee, a phone date with my mom, or a visit to a friend over the lunch hour.  Restarting my day isn’t about what other people can for me, it is about what I can do for myself.  I’ve learned lately that I am the true master of my destiny, and with the exception of God, I have the most control over my life.  Choosing to be happy, faithful, honest, kind, positive, and sober is the choice I make every day.  Knowing that I have the power to control ONLY my actions is a relieving thing.  I don’t know what the reply to a text carefully speaking my mind that says, “I miss you” will be, nor do I know the reaction of the other person when I bring them coffee over lunch.  I can hope both responses will be positive because I have acted lovingly and honestly, but I cannot expect them to be that way.  When I have an expectation for things to happen, I am building a resentment almost immediately.  Being expectation-less does not mean that we allow ourselves to be treated poorly or disrespectfully; it means that we allow things to happen as they are supposed to happen.  I take things one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time.  But when things are really bad, to the point where I am tempted to isolate, lie, or even pick up a drink…I can always just start again.

 I was in a rough spot yesterday.  My trust issues became very clear to me, and again I was faced with my fear of losing people.  I was angry, sad, shameful, and guilty.  I felt like my bubble had been popped and again I was just a zombie going through the motions of life but refusing to feel. I do that when I am feeling down, I refuse to feel anything to avoid the sadness.  I simply couldn’t find my reset button to turn things around.  So, I picked up the phone.  I talked to a friend about where I was at, how I was feeling, and the fact that I was so stressed out I was punishing myself by not eating again.  By the time I finished talking to my friend, I realized he had hit my reset button for me.  How lucky am I to have friends who will do that for me?  Talk me through my confusion and love me until I figure stuff out.  My friend calls himself the “donkey”, and it makes sense, as he has carried me through a lot of stuff.

No matter where you are at or how far down you think you’ve gone, remember to have faith that everything will turn out.  There are no such things as accidents in your life.  You have the most control over your thoughts and actions….exercise that control carefully and be your best self.  And when you can’t be…start again.  Scottie always has it together so I may as well take his advice!