Disappointment is a self inflicted pain

Disappointment is a funny thing.  It starts with an expectation and ends with a realization that you created the chaos in your head.

I am feeling a little off kilter today so I thought I would share it with you guys.  My voice is still perky, my hugs are still snug, and my smile is still infectious…but I am feeling bit, well, like my old self.  I have this insecure neurotic thought pattern, I am obsessively checking my phone, and I am beyond emotionally drained to the point where I took a nap on a yoga mat.  

I know a little bit about being a good person and what it takes to be happy, but I am also the master at not following my own rules.  I get up on my soapbox and preach my words of wisdom to my friends and family, but I struggle at listening to myself and forcing myself to understand.

I built up this grand event in my head last night and was let down when it didn’t come to fruition.  I blamed the other party involved for my sudden lack of serenity, when really, as I mentioned, it is my expectation that leads to my decreased happiness.

I think the key to understanding our feelings is that realization that we base our feelings today on our experiences yesterday.  I know the biggest reason I am feeling let down and unloved today is because it is how I used to feel regularly.  When someone begins to act in a way that others have before, I begin to feel the way I did before.  Does that make sense? 

There is no sudden answer or logical reason behind my resentment today.  It is simply what it is.  My reasoning may be childish or immature, but realistically speaking, it stems from my fears; my fear of not being good enough, not being loved, and of people always leaving.  You can call me needy, insecure, or emotionally unavailable- I wont argue with that, but don’t forget that I am honest, vulnerable, and compassionate.  I feel love with every ounce of my being and when I am hurt, it hurts just as deep.

I feel like every person deserves a lot of respect and a little bit of true love in their lives.  And for all you men out there wondering what you did wrong…if you have enough time to take a leak during the day, you have enough time to send a text!

So, I will go back to watching my blackberry not light up with the promise of a text message of God forbid a phone call and Ill pray that one day Ill take my own advice and not be such a needy little girl.