XYZ

My head hurts from the all the f***ing.  Not the fun kind, but the mind messing, head pounding, fist clenching, shoe throwing kind.  You know the good ole’ head screw that comes because you give someone else too much power?  The one person who can make me go “mental”, as my mother says, is the one I have deemed all powerful.  What kind of craziness is that!  For the answer, refer to my last blog where I describe my addiction to chaos.  Insert chaos here.

I read in one of my dusty self help binders (because I print stuff and put it in binders rather than pay for it), that when you are experiencing negative thought, you should talk to yourself like you are talking to a good friend in the same situation.  Well okay,

DEAR GOOD FRIEND, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!

That is what I would say.  Nothing consoling about that hey?  I guess I need a good kick in the ass- any takers?  Not that it would matter.  My unmanageable head tells me chaos is the only way to live.  I guess after years of it I have become dependent on it- God I am crazy aren’t I?  I am stubborn, rotten, and very confident that my way is THE way (probably not a good Lava Life line).  In this case, as in most, those traits are not really paying off for me.

I have been letting X text me and call me at his convenience…be nice and charming to me…supportive, kind, and even loving….yet I am left with the final knowledge that he is X and I am Y and we will “never” be XY again.  Does that make sense?  We broke up.  Again-still-not really.  Who knows.  All I know is that I am happy.  I love yoga over fights, I love the gym over sexless nights, I love eating dinner at 10pm over walking on eggshells, but I can’t seem to let it go. 

Why is that?  Why isn’t happiness a good enough reason for me to stick it out?  There is even a Z in the equation now.  I am quite fond of Z...I don’t know if he knows this.  Would it be juvenile to pass him a note that says, “I have a crush on you.”  Yes- yes it would be, but so cute.  The thing about me turning from XY into Y and so quickly wanting to be YZ, is that I know what I like as Y, but when I turn into Y with anything else….I lose track of it all.  Suddenly things aren’t important and my happiness becomes dependant on the other “letter” (please tell me you’ve gathered what I am talking about).  I know I know….I am co dependant and my life in unmanageable.  I have work to do don’t I?

I think tonight ill do what I am good at- gym, yoga, ½ a pizza, then JERSEY SHORE.  See I still find true indescribable happiness in the overly tanned, too drunk madness of MTV.  I’ll close with this question though…what in your life is unmanageable but oh so good to feel the sting of…do you have an X?