A splash of indifference

I’ve been thinking (and not acting because I am terrified of my mother) about tattoos a lot lately.

A couple things jump out at me:

“everywhere she goes, a million dreams of love surround her”

And

“when the world says give up, hope whispers, try one more time”

Why am I thinking about tattoos?  Perhaps it is because of the milestone I took in the beginning of June, or the end, yet again, of the same relationship. 

I feel like I am in a more accepting place with both those things than I would have been a year ago.  Milestones are a good time for reflection…they allow us good reason to look back at where we were and where we came from.  I have been stuck lately on who I was and not living in who I am.   I feel stronger, more mature, and a tiny bit wiser, but not as confident, honest, and sane as I would like to be- but WHO is as sane as they would like to be?  I don’t lose my temper anymore like I used too, now that could be the meds…but I still feel like I am riding this wave in  and I never know what the next day, or moment is going to hold.

Is that exciting for you?  Not knowing the future, because it sucks for me.  I like things NOW and I like things MY way.  I don’t care if my imagination is a fairy tale.  I like things to be perfect and I am not so good at letting things go when they aren’t.  but the insane part of me loves the chaos too.  I love the drama and the edginess and the revolt and the unmanageability.  I get that all those things are strange addictions….but I thrive off them.  I take things personally just to get a rush.  Sometimes, often lately, I feel like a zombie made up of hair, nails, and skin…and I have nothing inside.

I am not dying, nor am I depressed, but I am constantly searching for that rush.  I do hours of yoga almost every day and push myself to dizzy at the gym…I find that head spinning, almost vomiting point of excitement for 1.2 seconds then it is gone.  Why do I search so hard to find something so chaotic?  It is probably the addict in me that loves it so much.  Too many cigarettes, too much tanning, too much exercise, too much of the same boy…whatever it is, give me drama in excess and I feel ALIVE.

So yes.  I want to feel the familiar prick of a needle etching its way across my skin, permanently marking my body just for the rush and to forever remind myself of where I am at….so mom, be grateful I am not getting some God awful body piercing….or Heaven forbid- coloring my hair dark again!