Today has been interesting. At one point I felt I had been kicked in the stomach, and within a half hour, it resides to a dull thudding ache, luckily after an hour, it resonated no pain at all.
I talked to X today. He asked me if he could come by work tomorrow and pick up somethings of his that I have...house keys (whoops) and a skip rope. I refused that, as I didnt feel that seeing in the middle of my day was a was choice, but instead offered to drop by his place with his things. Our conversation progressed into how his return to work was, and his request that as a result of my mushy gushy BBM status, that he be removed from my BBM list, as he didnt want to be kept up to date with my new romance. I said I understood and admitted that yes I was seeing someone, then I asked the stupidest question of all, "are you?"
"Yes I am"
Everyone I have talked to, and of course that is pretty much everyone I know has determined X was lieing about his current relationship status to get a reaction out of me.
But what if he wasn't?
And why do I care?
Why did it feel like I had been karate chopped in the gut?
Why did my heart drop and my eyes well up for a brief second?
I have moved on but wasn't expecting him too. Ever to be honest. With as much humility as I can muster, though he told me three months ago "you're not good enough for me", I consider myself to be quite a catch. Though I pray for him everyday to find love light and happiness, I wasn't praying for it to be so soon. I at least wanted more comfort with where A and I are before I found out that X was seeing someone else.
So what is that? I can move on but he can't? It is unfair. Especially because I am SO happy, don't I just truly want that for others? If I am as good of a person as A says I am, than yes, yes I do want happiness for X. But perhaps not this soon. Mourn the loss of fabulous me for a little while longer. Couldn't he have done that for just a bit?
Why do we do that? Set double standards? Why are break ups so messy? Why do the gut feelings linger long after the heart has moved on?
As I sit here, post hot yoga and orange juice, writing to you by candle light with my new "Kissin Practice" playlist in the background...I feel quite calm. I am ready for my life and I am excited to be part of the adventure, even if it means taking the occasional shot to the gut every now and then.
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