Face Everything And Recover (apparently)

It is official.  X has gone off the deep end.  Between rage and remorse he has totally lost it.

And unfortunately, as a result of my obsession with him, I feel like I am losing it too. 

I have a racing heart, sweaty palms, and a killer head ache.  It could be a result of me trying to hear what he was saying between all his curse words and name calling, or it could be because my fear of loss is kicking in and I am starting to panic.  I feel somewhat, if not fully, responsible for his well being.  I do take most of the credit for his smiles in the past four years so I fear he will never smile again if I abandon him.  He sure seems angry enough.  But wait a second…I am just NOT that important am I!  And he is angry.  His second voicemail of the day was less rage and more logic regarding his anger.  He is hurting, like anyone would, but assures me he doesn’t want a relationship with me he just feels loss.  And I don’t want a relationship with him, so why do I suddenly feel the need to go to him and comfort him?

I think that is funny thing about fears, no matter how hard you pray or how much work you put into removing them, they always find a way to pop up.  The fear of loss that I have is all familiar when it comes to X.  He was such a big part of my life that losing him scares me.  A lot.  I feel obsessed when he calls, like I have to check the voicemail INSTANTLY (because I never answer for fear of confrontation).  I feel controlled by the little light on my blackberry blinking to alert me of his text message.  I save every note, every email, and most texts.  Why?  Why is it so important to me that I let in infiltrate my thinking?  When my mind is quiet is when the danger emerges.  It is why I spend so much time hiding out in the yoga studio.  I find peace there.  In the 38 degree room with 35 other sweaty bodies around me…it is there I find true balance.  I can leave everything behind on my mat when I finish practice.  I am so grateful I discovered that peace.

But when I am not peaceful, and my mind is a riot…that is when it is hard to move, hard to think strait, and hard to function at all.  That only happens with one person.  I think about A more than I think about X, but when X gets in my head, I get scared and that overrules all other thoughts and emotions for me.  So why do we have this obsession?  I was with a girlfriend last night and she confirmed I am not the only one who feels this way about an ex.  I guess if anything, it’s nice to know I am not alone.