Phase 2

Phase 2.

Anger.

I don’t know the legit phases of grieving.  But i am very clearly on phase 2.  In about 10 minutes I morphed from content, accepting, and understanding, to angry, bitchy, and hurt.

Am I choosing anger as an outlet so I don’t need to feel sadness?  Am I name calling and accusing because I don’t want to face the truth?  Am I bringing up past fights for extra ammo?

The end of a relationship is a tricky thing.  The grieving process for me is complicated, and painful, and in past years, vodka fuelled.  To be sober and rational and accepting are ALL foreign concepts to me, and to have to grasp them all at the same time?  (insert boot throwing frustration from earlier posting) OH GOD!!!!!!!!

The vengeful part of me wants to post a lengthy list of all the reasons why I am “allowed “ to be mad.  But why?  My ego tells me that I am completely and totally faultless in all the wrongs that have been done to me.  My pride keeps me from evaluating the situation and seeing my part.  And that self righteous anger, is one of my biggest character defects.  I can twist, pull, turn, and bend every situation so I am the victim.  I did nothing wrong.  I focus on the things I did to make myself girlfriend of the year (back rubs, blow jobs, and burgers), and I carefully block out the....less then desirable qualities that go perfectly with my Princess attitude. 

But the whole story, which is clear when I am rational and calm and claiming my part, clearly shows two people, equally at fault for driving a wedge in the relationship...unfortunately, it’s not just him.  Is it ever just them?  I look at the people I resent because they wronged me, FOR NO REASON, and I start to question...where was I wrong?  When I feel like screaming, yelling, name calling, and throwing boots at him, I need to be honest.  I was needy.  Dishonest.  Selfish.  Untrusting.  Unfaithful.

Talk about the pot calling the kettle black....