Looking Back

Here’s the truth.  I don’t like pain.  I am not one of those girls who thinks pain is growth, or broken hearts lead us to Mr. Right (maybe Mr. Right Now).  I don’t like feeling lost, helpless, sad, angry, or confused.  I grew up in an ideal world, despite divorce and cancer…my life was perfect.  I have been given everything I want.  I don’t have to work very hard to get what I want or maintain my life.  I don’t like not being okay.

These days I spend so much time worrying about not being ok that when I am ok, I ruin it!  I’m NEVER going to love again, I am NEVER going to have sex again, I am NEVER going to trust anyone again, I am NEVER going to cook again and thus, be stuck alone, blogging, and eating dressing-less salads (because God knows a huge ass isn’t going to help me find love).

I feel like one of those little toy dogs that you wind up and it bounces around the floor yipping and barking until you kick it to the wall.  I am frazzled.  I am scared.  I do not like that things aren’t going my way.  I want to feel better today, now.  Not in a year when I’ve “gotten to know me (vomit)” or “I’m reconnected with myself (shudder).”  I want it all now.  More specifically, I want a nice, smart, strong, friendly, likes animals, dark haired man between the ages of 30 and 35, who will make my life a romantic comedy (if he had Matthew McConaughey abs that would be more than acceptable).

The worst part of this emotional disability I seem to be suffering from, is that I CANNOT stop looking back.  I am having a very hard time remembering what the ex did TO me, I am only remember what he did FOR me.  And because I have selective memory syndrome (I just invented that, it’s normally found in girls with broken hearts), he did LOTS for me, and absolutely nothing to me.  See, the way my head is remembering it, I have lost Mr. Prince Charming, however; those of you who know the situation (S.C) know that isn’t really the case.

All the looking back is really hindering my “Live in the Now” attempt at life.  And it’s making me hurt all over again.  If only everything was easy enough as it was logical....seriously though, I spend SO much time looking back while trying to move forward, I may as well have a relationship rearview mirror.